The Muppets

Rating: 5/5

The Muppets are special. Whether we're talking Rowlf or Cookie Monster, they have a weird and amazing ability to make people happy. They're a unique part of popular culture that no one really grows out of, not even the most cynical people I know. I don't see how anyone could hate the Muppets anyway. Anyone who claims to is really missing out. But after this movie, I think any so-called hatred for the crew will be extinct.

Walter (voice of Peter Linz) is a young puppet from Smalltown, USA who is the world's biggest Muppet fan. Walter's brother Gary (Jason Segel) is taking his girlfriend Mary (Amy Adams) for their anniversary, and the two decide to bring Walter along and tour Muppet Studios. To their dismay the studio is completely run down, and evil oil tycoon Tex Richman (Chris Cooper) wants to tear it down and drill for oil. After meeting Kermit, the gang has to reunite the Muppets and save the day.

Remember the last Star Trek movie? The J.J. Abrams one? Remember how it pleased adults and kids, allowing the former group nostalgia and making the latter a new generation of fans? Remember how great it was? Get ready to remember, because like Star Trek, The Muppets is pretty much flawless. The puppets are amazing, the story is lovely, Jason Segel and Amy Adams have never been better, the emotion is real, the songs are memorable, and the script/direction are great. Every joke, every cameo, every one-liner is in the perfect place and is delivered perfectly.

But the cherry on top is that the movie is so touching, so filled with genuine love for Jim Henson's creations that you want every season of the show and every older movie on DVD. I shamelessly teared up several times during the movie, and at others I laughed so hard my sides hurt. A movie that moves me this much one second and makes my fall out of my chair with laughter the next deserves praise. And that what this movie deserves. The Muppets is remarkable.

I don't know what else to say. If you, dear reader, can't tell that The Muppets is brilliant and one of the top five films of 2011 by now, re-read my review. Whether or not you could tell, go see The Muppets immediately, more than once, and experience the love. The Muppets, like Being Elmo, is love. Love for the Muppet gang and what they gave to the world way back when. Also like Being Elmo, I love it right back. Mahnamahna!

The Rum Diary

Rating: 4/5

Hunter S. Thompson and his writings have had a large influence on me. Gonzo journalism is one of the most effective styles of writing, and I use it all the time. You know how I try to write from the point of view of a common moviegoer? Notice how I use a lot of sarcasm? Straight ripped off from the Doc. And as a big fan, I recognize that no one plays Thompson better than Johnny Depp. Need proof and/or an intro to the man's work? Look no further than The Rum Diary.

Paul Kemp (Johnny Depp) is a young and talented journalist who has come to Puerto Rico to work at a failing newspaper called the San Juan Star. His only friend is Bob (Michael Rispoli), a pessimistic photographer who likes the finer things in life like rum and even more rum. Kemp is on his way to the same mindset when he is recruited by corrupt millionaire Sanderson (Aaron Eckhart) to write promos for his upcoming land-grab scam. Once Kemp is pulled into Sanderson's world, which includes Chenault (the beautiful Amber Heard), he starts to see what's up, and his debaucherous journey begins.

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT go into The Rum Diary expecting Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas. That film, while a complete masterpiece, is based on a novel of Thompson's written after he was established as a revolutionary journalist. The Rum Diary was written when Thompson was in his early twenties, and it's mostly about the experiences that shaped him into Raoul Duke. There's not a lot of narration, psychotropics, or great quotes, but it's very well done and maintains the spirit of the Doc's work.

Johnny Depp is as usual perfect in the main role, not that I'm surprised. But I have to admit I've gotten annoyed at JD for doing this routine in every movie. When it's in the right place though, Depp is incomparable and irreplaceable. Actually the whole cast is great, including Amber Heard, which was a surprise. The pace is a bit slow at times, and it's too long, but I was never bored. The dialog is very funny, the scenery is beautiful, and as a result it comes together well. One of the best parts is the soundtrack, always keeping the mood with an eclectic mix of rock, soul, and traditional Puerto Rican music.

Dr. Thompson always said how he wanted to make this movie, and it's sad it didn't happen before his death in 2005. I'm sure he'd bless it though. The Rum Diary is a solid entry in the HST filmography (considering there are only three) and a good place to start if you want an intro to the Doc's work. It isn't Fear & Loathing or Where the Buffalo Roam, and some people won't like it. So think of this as Hunter S. Thompson's superhero origin story. And if you're a fan like me, you have an obligation to go. Don't let the bastards win.

Immortals

Rating: 4/5

As you all should know, I can deal with stupidity in action movies. It doesn't matter how silly the story is, I can turn my brain off and enjoy some good-old-fashioned male power fantasy. For proof of this (if you really need some), see my reviews of The Wolfman 2010, and more recently Battle LA and/or Conan the Barbarian. Or you can just keep reading this one, because Immortals is a dumb movie that rocked my socks.

King Hyperion (Mickey Rourke) is a mad atheist who a la Kratos from "God of War" wants to free the titans and overthrow the gods. In order to do this Hyperion needs a legendary weapon called the Epirus Bow, which he plans to find with the power of the virgin oracle Phaedra (Freida Pinto). On his rampage across Greece, Hyperion makes the mistake of murdering the mother of Theseus (Henry Cavill), who just so happens to be the mortal champion chosen by Zeus (Luke Evans). And of course, hijinks ensue.

Ok, first things first. Immortals is silly. The narrative is jumpy, the characters are all completely generic, and the acting and dialog are completely melodramatic and ridiculous. There are big moments that make no sense in that "Conan" kinda way where you just have to laugh. However, nothing gets so dumb that you can't enjoy the movie, and I had a blast the whole way through thanks to two things: the visuals and the action.

The visuals in Immortals are Oscar worthy. Tarsem Singh is clearly very gifted when it comes to this, something we saw in his first film, The Fall, which is brilliant. The sets are grand and real, the CGI is fantastic, and the costumes are unique and beautiful. Each one is incredibly creative and really, really cool. It breathes new life into Greek myths in a way Clash of the Titans only dreamed of. The action is 300-level awesome, but much better choreographed and with less slow-to-fast. Immortals is awesome.

Immortals is the perfect Thanksgiving movie. It's a great excuse to get together with friends and enjoy yourself at the movies, even if it's silly. Immortals knows what it is, and takes the stylization of 300, injects it with Tarsem's brilliant visual creativity, and never looks back. This is mostly a guy movie, but anyone who liked 300 or The Expendables will enjoy it. Of course, I'm really just recommending the mind-blowing visuals and action, but go see Immortals for a fun ride.

The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence)

Rating: 2/5

Wow, seriously you guys? I have a huge list of movies I want to see and I get over ten requests for Human Centipede 2? Look, just because I made it through Cannibal Holocaust and love Audition doesn't make me some sort of unfazable demigod of messed up movies. Cannibal Holocaust freaked me out for a while! Besides, the first Human Centipede isn't even that big a deal. It's just a modern exploitation flick. Whatever, let's just do this.

Martin (Laurence R. Harvey) is an introverted, disturbed weirdo who lives with hus abusive mom and is completely obsessed with The Human Centipede. He watches it all the time at work and even has a scrapbook of pictures from and relating to the movie. In his spare time, Martin goes around whacking random people on the head with a crowbar and putting them in a warehouse, where he plans on recreating Dr. Heiter's experiment with twelve people. Using only crude tools and his psychosis, Martin goes for it.

This movie makes a good point: the first Human Centipede was not the grossest movie ever, neither is this one, and neither one should be treated as such. The first film was more suspense driven, and this one is so grotesque and shocking that it's kind of hilarious. I don't recommend either one because they're not good films, but the series doesn't deserve such controversy. Like I said, they're exploitation movies and are just unpleasant to watch.

Anyways, yes, Human Centipede 2 is freaking gross. But not until the final half-hour or so. Until then it's literally just Martin conking people on the head in a parking garage. It's really quite boring to watch, which is compounded by the fact that Martin doesn't talk. Ever. He just makes silly noises. However, the film is shot in gorgeous black and white and is competently acted and directed. In the end though, it's a waste of time.

The Human Centipede 2's final act is insane. Not quite the level of some movies I've seen and I'm sure there are more out there I haven't heard of, but wow. Ligaments are cut, faces are stapled, teeth are smashed or ripped out, and we see every single step. I admit, I looked away a couple times. But it's all so over the top I wasn't bugged by it. The effects are top-notch but silly. This isn't a date horror movie like Saw or even Hostel, it's just bad shock imagery. I paid six bucks on iTunes for this, and it isn't worth it. Ok, that's my review, now can we stop talking about these movies?

A Very Harold & Kumar Christmas

Rating: 4/5

You've gotta love this series. Each Harold & Kumar movie is very funny, relevant, and of course offensive. Each installment also includes developed and memorable characters with real arcs, great jokes, and the greatness of Neil Patrick Harris. That said, it's hard for comedy sequels to stay funny, as evidenced by Hangover 2 and the Scary Movie sequels. Lucky for us, the series isn't done yet, and it's still damn funny.

Around three years or so after their escape from Guantanamo, Harold (John Cho) is married and Kumar (Kal Penn) is perpetually stoned. The two meet again when Kumar drops a mysterious package at Harold's house. Harold, who is too worried about pleasing his father-in-law (Danny Trejo), is happy to see his friend, until Kumar burns down Trejo's home-grown christmas tree. Now the two have until midnight mass is over to find a new fern. And as usual, hijinks ensue.

There's something about stoner comedies that I find inherently hilarious. Unless the joke is too dumb (I'm looking at you Your Highness), I will laugh. Boy howdy will I laugh, and this movie made me laugh quite a bit. The jokes and gag are of course all sexual, drug-related, or violent, but most of them work very well. As usual Neil Patrick Harris steals the show, but everyone does a great job. The script has a good pace, and the few serious moments are genuine and well done.

See, now I don't have much more to talk about. It's just hard to review good comedies. Ok, I guess I can talk about how some moments are just stupid and that some jokes rely too much on being raunchy and/or gross, but none of that really matters. A Very Harold and Kumar Christmas is an extremely solid and very funny comedy that's worth seeing.

I honestly hope they make a fourth entry in this series. For me, I think the characters (especially NPH) won't stop being funny and I'll always enjoy them in a primal kind of way. Even though I don't think the series will ever return to the heights of the second movie, I have faith that I'll continue to laugh at additional installments. Until then, I can just enjoy the current one, and so should you.

Being Elmo: A Puppeteer's Journey

Rating: 4.5/5

As a young child, my best friend was my stuffed Elmo toy. I took him everywhere and told him everything. My friends loved him, my family did, we all just loved Elmo. But until now, I never thought about why. Why did I love Elmo so much? Why is he so instantly lovable, and how was he created? What brilliant performer created the best friend of billions of children? Well my friends, be ready to be answered and moved by this lovely documentary.

Being Elmo follows the career of Kevin Clash: a kid from Baltimore who loved puppets. When he got older, Kevin started to build his own muppets and was featured on local TV. As Kevin got better and better, he felt limited by his position. Then he met muppet builder Kermit Love (creator of Big bird, Snuffy, and Ms. Piggy), who taught Kevin everything he knew. After meeting Jim Henson, Kevin was well on his way to becoming the legend he is. And of course, the rest is history.

Ok, I know that it looks like I gave the whole movie away, but I only outlined it. Kevin's journey through the world of puppeteering is so deep and interesting that there's no way I could cover it in a paragraph. Anyway, part of what makes the story so great is that Kevin is one of the best examples of someone who followed their dreams. He had real talent in a weird field and he made it through 100% pure hard work. He's never arrogant, never outspoken, and always thankful. Kevin is such a good person, you can see Elmo in him.

Now, I don't consider myself a super macho dude, but I have my pride. And I am discarding that right now because I'm admitting that this movie made me cry. It wasn't sad, and I didn't cry a lot, but I cried. I remembered how much Sesame Street meant to me, and how amazing it is that Kevin Clash makes millions of kids believe they are loved by Elmo. Then there's the scene where all the muppets, including Elmo and friends, sing "Saying Goodbye" at Jim Henson's funeral. I dare you not to choke up.

Being Elmo is special. It is a rare documentary that doesn't uncover political corruption or be pro environmentalism that isn't about a historical figure. Like Anvil last year, Being Elmo tells a story about someone who never, ever gave up. It's effective, informative, interesting, touching, and of course inspiring. Why does it work so well? To paraphrase one of the interviewed puppeteers: Elmo is love, and he loves you unconditionally. And you know what, I love him right back. Always.

Paranormal Activity 3

Rating: 1.5/5

And so the third installment in the increasingly short and unscary Paranormal Activity series inevitably arrives. Seriously, all horror movie concepts get old fast unless they're Nightmare on Elm Street or Friday the 13th. Most sequels besides those are rushed out and either nothing like the original (Blair Witch 2) or just a retread of it (every Saw sequel). Plus, movies as original and fun as the first Paranormal Activity don't need sequels. At least not ones this boring.

Dennis (Chris Smith) is worried that his stepdaughters Katie (Chloe Csengery) and Kristi (Jessica Tyler Brown) are being haunted by their imaginary friend "Toby." Much to the chagrin of his wife Julie (Lauren Bittner), Dennis sets up cameras all over the house to try and capture evidence. While initially failing to find anything significant, the evidence begins to pile up and Dennis thinks that whatever is in the house is more than just a demon.

I have said this before, but I don't like found footage movies. Besides Blair Witch, they're mostly cheesy, nausea-inducing, and become an not to spend a lot of money on CGI. That is true here because the terrible jump scares rely on the idea that Dennis tapes absolutely everything in his life. Even when the director(s) manage to build a semblance of tension, nothing happens besides camera shaking. Seriously, I actually found myself staring at the ceiling. Even when scary parts do happen, I did not find myself interested.

On the nitpicky side, the movie is supposed to be in 1988, but everyone dresses like a 2010 hipster. The Julie character even has Zooey Deschanel hair and clothes. Also, why the demon ghost thing did no haunting before the cameras were set up is weird. And if Katie and Kristi were haunted as kids, why are they so scared in the first two movies? But I digress. The acting is cheesy, there's too much special effects, people are idiots, and the ending is even more out of left field than The Last Exorcism's.

There's no good reason to see Paranormal Activity 3, but it's not horrible. It is kind of fun at moments and it's competently directed, I guess. The only reason this film exists is to squeeze as much cash from fans as possible, and it succeeded I guess. But who cares? This is my review, and I say it's bad. It's boring, doesn't make any sense, and is NOT scary, proven by the fact that the people my theater started talking to each other and laughing at the scares. Nuff said.

The Skin I Live In

Rating: 4.5/5

I am a big fan of surrealist filmmaking. I love to watch movies that don't necessarily have narratives so much as a general theme. Some of my favorites include Pink Floyd: The Wall, Nobuhiko Obayashi's House, and Eraserhead. I also like foreign films, especially Japanese and Spanish-language ones. This year has been a really good year for foreign film with movies like 13 Assassins and TrollHunter outdoing most of our blockbusters. The Skin I Live In continues this with surrealism by being the best not-Drive movie out in theaters.

In 2012 Spain, brilliant and insane plastic surgeon Robert Ledgard (Antonio Banderas) lives isolated, obsessed with his invention: a skin that resists all damage. He is accompanied only by his servants and Vera (Elena Anaya), a beautiful young woman Robert keeps prisoner as a test subject. Vera is Robert's creation, to the extremity that her skin is his experimental design and her face is that of his late wife. Vera always wears a full-body "skin suit" and is given everything she wants but her freedom. After a break-in at the house, Robert's mental state further unravels and Vera's origins are slowly revealed.

Like most of Almodovar's other films, The Skin I Live In explores the Freudian insanity of human sexuality. One of this film's main themes is the use of sex as a tool for mental control and manipulation rather than love. Throughout most of the film, we know nothing about Vera except that that Robert wants total control of her, which he gets through what is basically rape. Almodovar never shies from the intensity, and does a magnificent job of inducing uneasiness and sometimes revulsion. This is the good kind of disturbing film, the kind where you want to keep watching.

Needless to say The Skin I Live In is strange. Every single scene is constructed and presented in crazy and surreal ways, but it all pays off. The second half of the film brings all the strangeness into an incredible and insane conclusion. Trust me, a lot of it seems pointless and boring, but The Skin I Live In. Almodovar has said that this is his Frankenstein, and it is. A mad doctor seeking perfection in a flawed creature that only desires freedom and independence. I can't talk anymore without spoiling the whole thing, so let me conclude.

The Skin I Live In isn't for everyone. Certain moments are very disturbing, and some may be bored. But if you can stick it out you won't be disappointed. The final act is brilliant, and will definitely leave an impact. Almodovar has given us a modern prometheus that lifts the mad scientist genre to a new level. The Skin I Live In is truly a work of art. So if you want some intelligence in your thriller, go see it.

Martha Marcy May Marlene

Rating: 2/5

Every now and then I review a popular movie negatively. I will never back down about my opinion of films like Kick-Ass or Un Profet, but it isn't like I enjoy arguing with my friends and family. Even though I am very opinionated, I acknowledge the other side of the argument, even if I don't agree with it. But honestly, I do not understand why Martha Marcy May Marlene is so acclaimed.

Martha (Elizabeth Olsen) suddenly shows up at her sister Lucy's (Sara Paulson) door after almost three years of absolutely no contact. Martha is introverted and clearly traumatized, but she refuses to talk about what happened to her. What Lucy fails to pry from Martha is that Martha recently escaped a violent cult lead by Patrick (John Hawkes), a true-blue cult of personality. As Martha's behavior worsens, the audience is brought into the madness of her past.

Martha Marcy May Marlene is a classic example of style over substance. Director Sean Durkin manages to hold very good tension throughout the story with fancy editing and creative writing, but there's nothing to it. The film cannot decide whether it wants to be a character study about cult brainwashing or a thriller about the cult coming after Martha. The flashbacks to Martha's time with Patrick are schizophrenically inserted into the main story, which is annoying because the flashbacks are more interesting. Also, Patrick is a clear Manson analogue, a fact the film tries to hide, and as a result he's just a skinny white guy.

Now, say what you will about her sisters, Elizabeth Olsen can act. Her portrayal of the damaged Martha is extremely realistic and intriguing, as is John Hawkes as Patrick. I'm just frustrated by the film because there's no consequences to any of the events and the notable cast is given nothing to work with. The film is also quite snooty, because every shot and cheesy line of dialogue lets you know how avante-garde and deep the director thinks the movie is.

Martha Marcy May Marlene is like last year's Somewhere, interesting filmmaking and great acting, but no focus. It's clearly made for highbrow newspaper critics, and as a result is mostly unaccessible. All that, and this could've been a short film. The script runs out of ideas very quickly, so by the halfway mark it felt like I saw the same pretentious college thesis at least twice. I didn't despise this movie, but I don't recommend it. It's just a big ball of nothing. Well directed and acted nothing, but nothing.

Real Steel

Rating: 4/5

Oh boy, a boxing movie. A boxing movie based around a toy I had as a kid. Why? Why isn't it just a cartoon? I mean, the whole point is to sell toys, so why spend 200 million? Oh, and it's got a little kid main character, great. Jeez, this is Phantom Menace all over again. God, why does Real Steel exist? Based on the above lines, you'd probably guess that I hated this movie. Surprise, I had a great time.

Charlie Kenton (Hugh Jackman) is a drifting schmoozer with a tendency to leap without looking, and used to be a world class heavyweight. Now it's 2020, and 1000 pound robots have replaced people in the ring. After Charlie's ex-wife dies, he's stuck with his young son Max (Dakota Goyo) for the summer. As it turns out, Max is a huge robot boxing fan, and on a rainy night looking for robot parts with Charlie, Max discovers a beat up old training bot named Atom, who has a copycat function. Now our heroes have to find a way to make Atom a real fighter, and how to be father and son.

Real Steel is an example of a really good family film. It has real heart, so we actually care that Atom wins, even though we know he will in the end. I found myself resisting the urge to clap a couple of times in the theater. Real Steel is an almost Spielbergian feel-good movie that I'm surprised wasn't released this summer. And like Warrior, Real Steel is about the relationship between two people, with robots smashing each other to bits as a centerpiece.

Speaking of, the robots look great. Unlike Transformers where the robots are too busy and not immediately distinguishable from one another, Real Steel's robots are simple as well as unique. Honestly, they look more like the Transformers than the Transformers movie. The effects in Real Steel make it easy to tell what's going on and see the detail of the damage that the things do to each other. You feel like you're in the stands.

Real Steel was a pleasant surprise. I thought that I was going to sit through an hour and a half long toy commercial. But I was wrong, because Real Steel is a well made, well written, well acted, well directed movie with some awesome action scenes. This movie is easy to root for, and doesn't try to hide behind pretention or talking down to its audience. Real Steel is just a good old fashioned fun time at the movies. Not Oscar worthy, but worth the ticket price.

Drive

Rating: 5/5

He has no name. All he's there to do is make sure the bad guys escape so the hardboiled hero cop can uncover a conspiracy later. But what is the getaway driver outside the getaway car? Who doe he love, how does he live? Why does he drive? I have never thought about any of this before in crime movies like Heat or Takers. Drive has not only made me consider all this, but understand it. That is only part of why Drive is one of the most brilliant films of 2011.

A nameless stuntman (Ryan Gosling) works part-time as a getaway driver. He is extremely precise about timing, is always unarmed, and never gets caught. As he says in the film, he does not want to be seen. His car is an extension of himself, a passion he tries to share with Irene (Carey Mulligan), an angelic woman the driver loves. When Irene's reformed ex-con husband (Oscar Isaac) is threatened by a local gangster (Ron Perlman) into robbing a pawn shop for 40 grand, the driver agrees to help. But after a double-cross that leaves the husband dead and the driver with a million dollars of stolen mob cash, all hell breaks loose.

As I write, it has already been a couple days since I saw Drive into the theater. I do that for all my reviews, because I don't get into preview screenings and I need time to process. After processing Drive in my head, I can't find anything wrong with it. No nitpicks, no cons, nothing. Drive is supremely written, but there isn't a lot of talking. Nicolas Winding Refn uses this to a genius degree, because he builds such tension with such intelligence and subtlety that it's truly astounding. Drive is similar to a Tarantino film in that it makes us think about how we view the film as we watch it.

Technically, Drive is perfect. It has brilliant direction, great, subtle dialogue and character development, fantastic cinematography, and amazing acting. Ryan Gosling is always good, but here he truly shines. Because of his character's usual silence, Gosling gives an almost purely visual performance full fo authenticity and emotion. The driver is not a catalyst for the events around him, he is merely a pawn with knighthood thrust upon him by pure chance. Drive makes us think about how we are watching the film through genuine emotional attachment to a character who could only come from the world of film.

Drive is many things. It is existential and deep, but not pretentious. It is an action film but its own kind of action film. It is very violent in parts, but not for the sake of being violent. Drive was clearly very carefully constructed, and it pays off with a huge jackpot. This is one of the rare films that is both immensely entertaining as well as brilliant in its themes and symbolism. It is definitely worth seeing, more than once, and is indubitably one of the three best films of the year along with 13 Assassins and Attack the Block. I cannot recommend Drive enough. See it for your sake.

Red State

Rating: 2/5

Oh how the mighty have fallen. As I write this review, I am drawn back to when I first discovered Kevin Smith. Clerks, Mallrats, Dogma, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, and Clerks II were my gods for years. Even now I'll pop in a DVD every now and then and have a good time. For a while, I thought Kevin SMith could do no wrong. Then I saw Jersey Girl, but that was ok because no director has a perfect track record. Then Zack and Miri came out, which I never saw but I hear is terrible. Then came Cop Out, which was excruciating to sit through. Now we have Red State, for which I have no words.

Ok, let me try to explain this craziness. Three dumb teenagers (Michael Angarano, Nicholas Braun, and Kyle Gallner) answer an internet ad posted by an older woman (Melissa Leo) who promises to deflower them. Of course, it's a trap and the three wake up imprisoned by nutjob preacher Abin Cooper (Michael Parks), a fanatic who's cult murders gay people regularly. Then out of nowhere, John Goodman shows up with the ATF and a firefight starts, beginning what is I guess supposed to be another Waco siege.

If you take anything from the above paragraph, I hope it's that this movie is a mess. There's no buildup or pacing, the camerawork is schizophrenic, nothing makes ANY damn sense, and it's just mediocre. The script, acting and story are all over the place and just not great. There's just no point to the whole thing, but boy does Red State think highly of itself. Seriously, I haven't seen a political opinion so bluntly bashed over my head since I tried reading The Fountainhead.

Ok, I am being a little mean to this movie. The atmosphere before the ATF shows up is well done and Michael Parks is amazing as pastor Cooper. And as a very liberal guy, I appreciate a film that takes such a hard left stance on the issue of the Westboro Baptist Church and hate speech. I just can't help comparing Red State to Machete, a similar but much better film. I think the main thing is that Red State tries to be a serious horror movie, but it isn't Red State is an exploitation movie, and a damn good one at that. If the ending wasn't such a, dare I say it, cop out, Red State could've been made by Bruno Mattei in the 70's.

It;s too bad that Red State is a Kevin Smith movie. I know (based on Clerks II) that he can do better, even though it isn't the 90's anymore. Especially since Smith claims to be retiring after his next movie, there's no reason not to bring Jay and Silent Bob back for one more adventure. Luckily, Red State proves that Smith can't do horror, but he can still hold my attention for 90 minutes. Come on Kevin, I know it's been a weird couple of years, but I believe in you. I know you can deliver a true curtain call. Come on man, do it for the fans. Go out on a high note.

Contagion

Rating: 2/5

The best piece of apocalyptic fiction out there is Max Brooks' novel World War Z. The book details the human-zombie conflict, from the beginning and the great panic to the systematic defeat of the undead. It is a truly brilliant piece of literature and is important considering the state of the modern world. I bring up World War Z because whoever wrote Contagion definitely read it. Too bad Contagion isn't half as good.

Beth (Gwyneth Paltrow) returns from a business trip to China sick. Her illness is undiagnosable and ends up killing Beth and her son. The mysterious disease quickly spreads all over the world, transmitted by touch and causing death extremely quickly. People all over the world, including Beth's husband Mitch (Matt Damon), CDC operatives (Lawrence Fishburne and Kate Winslet), a WHO epidemiologist (Marion Cotillard), and a conspiracy theorist (Jude Law) scramble to achieve their goals, whether it be a vaccine, survival, or profit.

Contagion's number one problem is that there are way too many characters. Too many characters all played by great actors who all could hold a basic epidemic plot by themselves. Not enough time is given to develop anyone, and the film wil go for 45 minutes without showing certain people, leaving most subplots unresolved. All of this is compounded by the fact that nothing really happens. Steven Soderbergh puts a lot of effort into setting up everything and putting the characters into tense and complex situations, and then it just kind of ends. There's a kind of happy ending, and the movie just stops.

Speaking of the plot (or lack thereof), it has no point. It jumps all over the place and several of the more popular characters like Jude Law and Marion Cotillard don't have anything to do with anything. these two don't accomplish anything in the grand scheme of things and are completely inconsequential. Also, the whole thing just feels small. Rules about who dies and how fast change several times over the course of the narrative, and because the movie is so focused on good-looking celebrities reacting to things, we don't see the scope of the tragedy.

I was looking forward to Contagion. Maybe my hopes were too high, but Soderbergh can and has done much better. It could have been so much better, but Contagion spreads itself too thin and collapses. Now that I think about it, the messages of "wash your damn hands" and "people over profit" don't matter because Contagion fails to infect. Zing!

Warrior

Rating: 4/5

don't like sports movies. I just don't get engaged by them, probably because they're 95% "true stories" and I know how it's gonna end. Boxing movies are especially guilty of this, because they either rip off Rocky or Raging Bull. It's always the same too: lower-class tough guy/family man meets the girl of his dreams and/or needs money for his family. Cue a training montage with an unconventional mentor and a touching scene of familial reconciliation, all while a big fight is coming up. Put these together with an overrated director and you get stuff like The Fighter or Cinderella Man. God I'm glad for Warrior.

Tommy (Tom Hardy) just got back from Iraq and refuses to talk about what happened there. He also decides to shack up with his dad (Nick Nolte), after over fifteen years of no contact. Tommy needs money and is a powerful martial artist, so he enters Sparta, a huge MMA tournament with a five million dollar prize. Meanwhile, Tommy's older brother Brendan (Joel Edgerton) is a physics teacher with a family and a looming foreclosure on his house. Out of options, Brendan enters Sparta, ignorant of Tommy's involvement.

Warrior does something that I've never seen in a sports film. It makes the audience want both Tommy and Brendan to be the victor in the big final fight. Warrior gives both protagonists real motivations, feelings, and personalities, making them likable and empathetic. The movie is mostly about Brendan and Tommy's relationship, and that is portrayed very, very well, partly because of a characteristic not seen in most movies these days: subtlety. Instead of having long monologues about Nick Nolte's bad parenting, we are shown that through facial expressions, mis-en-scene, and genuinely great acting.

My main problem with last year's big sports movie, The Fighter, was that there wasn't anything extraordinary about it except Christian Bale's performance. The story was standard, the script was cliche, and overall it was just eh. I just didn't connect emotionally with the film because like I said earlier, it was a true story and I knew the end. Warrior definitely relies on some cliche, but does it so well that it's very effective.

I liked Warrior. I didn't love it, I didn't cry at the end, but I liked it. The performances are great, it's a well written and directed story, and it isn't predictable. Warrior is a good story of two brothers, with MMA as a centerpiece. The whole thing just feels genuine in it's emotion and atmosphere. Warrior isn't Oscar bait, and a lot of people might not like it, but I recommend it.

Shark Night 3D

Rating: .5/5

Another year, another killer fish flick. Seriously, don't quote me on this, but I'd take the gamble that at least one fishsploitation film comes out per year. None of them are good per se, but as evidenced by Sharktopus and Piranha 3D, they can be fun. There are key factors to doing this, namely an R rating. I haven't seen a movie all year like Shark Night 3D. I have not seen a movie this year that falls on its face so hard right out of the gate.

When Tulane student Malik (Sinqua Walls) passes a big test, Sarah (Sara Paxton) decides to take him an their other friends (of which there are too many to name) out to her family's vacation home in the middle of nowhere, Louisiana. On the way the group runs into to obnoxious rednecks (Chris Carmack and Joshua Leonard) who know Sarah. After partying for around 20 minutes, Malik's arm gets bitten off by a shark in the lake. To their horror, the students discover that the rednecks put sharks in the lake to kill college kids. Why? Because.

If you couldn't infer from the previous paragraph, Shark Night 3D is terrible. So terrible I'm giving it my rare 1/2 a star rating. I have genuinely not seen a horror movie so inept and stupid since My Soul to Take, which was at least funny. I tried, I really did, to laugh at Shark Night, but I just couldn't. The script and acting are so beyond just bad movie acting, I think some sort of enlightenment was reached. But I wouldn't mind as much if not for one big problem/

Shark Night was dead on arrival as soon as the filmmakers decided to make a PG-13 movie. Just think about that for a second. I wasn't Piranha 3D's biggest fan, but it had extreme gore and female nudity, so I was entertained. Shark Night is clearly trying to rip Piranha off anyway, so why it's PG-13 baffles me. This may sound like I'm being a snob at a dumb horror movie, but I own Stargate on DVD and I liked the new Conan so leave me alone.

Shark Night 3D does absolutely everything wrong. The acting sucks, the script sucks, the story sucks, the CGI sucks, and the fact that it's PG-13 SUCKS. If we got to see some naked women and some awesome gore, I wouldn't have hated it so much. Seriously, this is the worst moviegoing experience currently out there. Usually, I wouldn't bother seeing this film. But I did, so there's my two cents.

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark

Rating: 2/5

When I was little, the darkness was my worst enemy. If I saw or heard about anything remotely creepy or frightening at any part of the day, no matter when, it would come back to me at bedtime. I was a kid with an active imagination, and sitting alone in the silent dark let my brain run wild. Honestly, the stuff I came up with back then was scarier than Don't be Afraid of the Dark.

Sally (Bailee Madison) has just moved in with her architect dad (Guy Pearce) and his new girlfriend (Katie Holmes), who are living in a creepy old house that they are refurbishing to sell. In the night, Sally hears voices calling for her, and discovers a basement full of unreleased artwork of the home's previous owner, a famous artist who just so happened to disappear mysteriously. In the basement, Sally finds the source of the voices and sets them free, unleashing 90 minutes of generic and contrived horror scenes.

This film has a simple premise, but in the beginning it has pretty good atmosphere and some interesting setups. Unfortunately, the genuine creativity that the movie promises is outweighed by the stuff that doesn't make sense and the bad acting. I mean, Sally is portrayed as a moody, antisocial, and dark kid, and no background as to why is given. When the creatures that have been heard and built up throughout the first act finally show up, they can't stop hogging the spotlight, and any possible scares are totally destroyed.

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark is a good summer horror movie, but not a good horror movie. It doesn't take itself too seriously, but it's rather humorless and inconsistent. I'm sorry, but when a groundskeeper at the house is attacked by the creatures and emerges from the basement covered in blood with scissors in his neck, the excuse "he had an accident" is just silly. The mythology of the monsters is cool, but it's all explained in around two minutes. Don't Be Afraid of the Dark just plays it too safe.

The TV film Don't Be Afraid of the Dark is supposedly one of the scariest ever. A lot of the positive reviews of this movie say it isn't fair to expect the original. That is true, but it is not a good justification for this version's favorites. This movie should not have to stand on anyone's shoulders if it's a strong and modern picture. Surprise, it isn't. Overall, Don't Be Afraid of the Dark is just a bad and forgettable horror movie.

Detective Dee and the Mystery of the Phantom Flame

Rating: 4.5/5

Comedy and Kung-Fu go hand in hand in cinema. From Drunken Master to Kung-Fu Hustle, laughs and flying dragon kicks go well together. Sadly, the past year has offered limited foreign releases and good summer movies. I can only think of four of the former and three of the latter. Well good thing I saw Detective Dee, because it's the most fun I've had all summer.

After the fall of the Tang Dynasty, the Chinese Empire is preparing to crown its first empress (Carina Lau). As part of the coronation ceremony, the Empress is building a colossal iron Buddha, and has had the court chaplain place amulets to protect it. Suddenly, important nobles and a member of the supreme court (Sammo Hung) bursting into flames after overseeing the construction. Now, the Empress must free Detective Dee (Andy Lau) from prison so he can solve the case. And of course, hijinks ensue.

When it comes to the standard kung-fu criteria, Detective Dee has it all. Slapstick, stunning action scenes, women with fancy weapons, memorable characters, and a great finale are all there. Despite that, the script can be a little too silly at times, and it's a bit long, but when it works it works very well. Unlike Cowboys and Aliens though, Detective Dee doesn't try to play it straight, and just runs with the silliness. And those fights I mentioned? They really are fantastic, unique, and beautiful to watch.

Detective Dee is really silly, like very much so. Director Tsui Hark definitely shows his past in shlocky kung-fu, bit it's not bad because the characters and story are so well developed and told. I mean, I liked Conan the Barbarian, which is way worse, so there's no reason I wouldn't love Detective Dee. And besides, not every kung-fu film needs to be Enter the Dragon.

Detective Dee and the Mystery of the Phantom Flame is a rocking good time. It's funny, clever, intelligent, original, and badass. It know what it is and never apologizes, something other movies have been having trouble with these days. Is it the new Kung-Fu Hustle? No, not even close, However, what it is is an unbelievably fun ride with memorable action and a good plot. I sat through a lot of crap this summer, from Shia Labeuof's screams to Nicholas Hoult's blue teen wolf costume. Detective Dee is one of the very few that kept me entranced from start to finish, and that's good enough for me.

The Debt

Rating: 1.5/5

As a proud film buff and Jew, I'm glad that there are more movies about Jews kicking ass. Munich, Inglorious Basterds, Defiance, those movies rock my socks. I have also seen some really good Netflix documentaries about the Mossad, so it's understandable that I was excited to see The Debt. Let me tell you, after actually seing it, I think Mossad agents would be embarrassed at how dumb it makes them look.

Rachel (Jessica Chastain), David (Sam Worthington), and Stephan (Marton Csokas) are three young Mossad operatives inserted into East Berlin in the 60s to capture a Dr. Mengele-type Nazi war criminal (Jesper Christensen) and bring him to trial in Israel. Unfortunately something unrevealed goes wrong with the mission. Thirty years later, the mission is the subject of a book by Rachel's (now Helen Mirren) daughter and the three are national heroes. Suddenly, David (now Ciaran Hinds) kills himself and Rachel and Stephan (now Tom Wilkinson) need to confront their past.

The Debt is dumb. There is literally nothing about the film that is subtle or smart, from the ham-handed pacing to the various accents that come and go as they please. The script by Jane Goldman (X-Men: First Class, Kick Ass) is inconsistent, ludicrous, and nonsensical. For example, older Rachel says that she cannot help older Stephan because she hasn't been an agent in years, and then she ninja-kicks armed guards in the next scene. The characters are kind of developed, but there isn't any sense of time, so when the young agents are getting paranoid from being inside for too long, it's a surprise.

Speaking of the characters, they're all unmemorable stereotypes who are boring and badly acted. Jessica Chastain tries but is given nothing to work with, Marton Csokas just sort of screams at everyone, and Sam Worthington's accent goes from Israeli to Australian and back again within one sentence. Also, when the mission goes wrong, instead of just killing their prisoner, the younger agents keep him alive, feed him three times a day, and let him talk to them. Even when he starts playing them against each other, our highly trained heroes don't gag him.

The Debt is a true disappointment. It could have been a smart thriller with an intelligent script and good direction in the vein of Inside Man. Instead we got another debacle in the vein of Unknown. It doesn't make any sense, the story is ludicrous, the events surrounding the older characters are completely uninteresting. The past is much more compelling, but it's so boring and predictable that there really isn't much effect. There's just no reason to pay to see this film.

The Guard

Rating: 4/5

Dear God, another crazy accents movie? That makes two in a row! Why am I seeing so many European films with nearly unintelligable dialogue? Ok, I'm being a little harsh, but I did see Attack the Block last week. Anyway, like Attack the Block, The Guard's director is making his debut here. I would definitely like to see more of his work in the future.

Sgt. Jerry Boyle (Brendan Gleeson) is a police officer in rural Ireland who is unconventional to say the least. He drops acid, solicits prostiututes, disturbs crime scenes, and curses profusely. However, when three drug dealers (Liam Cunningham, David Wilmot, and Mark Strong) bring their business to town and their dirty cash to cops, Jerry is the sole officer who remains clean. Now paired with an FBI agent (Don Cheadle), Jerry has to take down the baddies, and hijinks ensue.

Now, the only other Brendan Gleeson movie I've seen is In Bruges, and he was great in that. The same can be said for The Guard. Even though everyone in the cast his great, Gleeson carries the film. His performance here definitely deserves recognition, even if not by major awards shows.

Everything from his facial expressions are really fantastic. Jerry's character is so much fun, and is really well supplemented by the wickedly funny and smart script, great direction and beautiful cinematography. Put short, I want to go to Ireland.

The Guard makes me sad. Sad because it's the kind of film awards shows usually love, but it has too much cursing and violence, and it isn't about a historical figure a la The King's Speech. But hey, maybe if we're lucky and there is justice, Brendan Gleeson will at least get nomi9nated for his performance. Either way, The Guard is a good movie worth seeing.

Attack the Block

Rating: 5/5

The best alien films of recent years have all had aliens that look unique and put the action in a new and interesting place. District 9 had prawns as refugees in South Africa, Battle LA had trained soldiers on the streets of Los Angeles, and Attack the Block has big dog-lookin' things in the London ghetto. Boy howdy does this movie kick ass. Seriously, Attack the Block will be in my top 3 movies of 2011.

On a usual night of hanging out and mugging tourists, young rapscallions Moses (John Boyega), Pest (Alex Esmail), Jerome (Leeon Jones), Dennis (Franz Drameh), and Biggz (Howard Simon) encounter and kill a small alien creature. After going to Ron's (Nick Frost) house to celebrate their kill via getting massively high, the boys see other aliens land and set out on the hunt. But these new aliens are bigger, meaner, and much tougher, and start to wreak havoc. Now the unlikely heroes and a nurse (Jodie Whittaker) who lives in their apartment building (or block), have to save the world. Or at least south London.

When one walks into a movie like Attack the Block, one has to worry. I say this because Attack the Block, like Sexy Beast and Snatch, is British, and the accents are crazy. If you don't focus on the issue too much it's easy to know what's going on, but there are some scenes where you really need to train your ears to understand what the actors are saying. Other than that, there's nothing I can complain about at all.

No seriously, this movie is pretty much perfect. It's hilarious, fantastically acted, really well directed, and has action scenes. The characters are all well rounded and memorable, the script is pitch-perfect, and the story has emotional weight and some genuinely sad moments. It's only flaw is the accents thing, but that's easy to get used to if you aren't turned off by it.

Attack the Block is a worthy entry in the growing genre of original foreign alien movies. There really isn't much else for me to mention, except the badass soundtrack by Massive Attack and Basement Jaxx. If Attack the Block was in 3D, I'd see it in IMax with super sound. I cannot wait to buy this movie on Blu-Ray. This movie isn't playing all over the country as far as I know, but if you can find it, definitely go see Attack the Block.

Conan the Barbarian

Rating: 3.5/5

OK, let me get something straight. When remakes like this one come out, a lot of newspaper critics start venerating the original and pointing out good qualities that don't exist. For example, critics said that the Wolfman remake didn't capture the "internal conflict of a man becoming a monster" of the original film. Seriously, watch the original 50's Wolfman, and tell me if that's in there. It isn't, and the remake doesn't care. Like this 2010 Wolfman, this 2011 Conan is just out for kicks.

When Conan (Jason Momoa) was a kid, his tribe of barbarians, including his dad (Ron Perlman) was slaughtered by the evil warlord Kalar Zym (Stephen Lang). Now all grown up into Khal Drogo from Game of Thrones, Conan is living the life of women and crushing his enemies. When he gets a violent reminder of his past, Conan decides to finally take his revenge against Zym and his daughter (Rose McGowan), as well as charm the pants off of a beautiful girl (Rachel Nichols).

And that's the whole plot. Of course, the whole thing is interweaved with a ton of yelling, sex and killing, but it's simple overall. And that's a good thing, because I don't want any BS when I walk into a movie called Conan the Barbarian. This is just what a Conan film should be. Conan the Barbarian is a nonsensical, ludicrous, and really dumb movie, but I loved every minute of it. I don't know why, but when I watched Conan I just had so much fun watching Jason Momoa kill or bone everything he sees.

Don't get me wrong, the writing direction, and CGI are all terrible, and besides Momoa and Ron Perlman, the acting is awful. But stupidity is a thing I can work with in action films. Not the kind of stupidity where Shia Labeouf is the main character in a Transformers movie, but the dumbness of Rose McGowan reading people's minds by licking minor cuts she gives them. The action is really what does it though, because it is fantastically choreographed and shot.

Don't go see Conan the Barbarian if you're expecting Lord of the Rings. Hell, don't even see it if you're expecting the original. Go see Conan if you're up for a bloody, nudity-filled, and silly ride through a silly world where silly people do silly things for silly reasons. And if nothing else, Morgan Freeman narrates it. No seriously.

30 Minutes or Less

Rating: 3/5

Well, here it is. My 100th review. I gotta say, knowing that I've seen that many movies in the last couple years is pretty exciting. Just remember, I don't write these reviews because of some sick ego trip or superiority complex. I review movies because I love to, and I like having my opinion out there. I'd like to say thanks to everybody who reads these rants of mine, and everyone who supported me. That said, I'm disappointed that 30 Minutes or Less is my big 100.

Nick (Jesse Eisenberg) is a small-town pizza boy with no ambition and bad luck. This comes into play when losers Dwayne and Travis (Danny McBride and Nick Swardson) strap a bomb to him and demand that Nick steal $100,000 for them. Now, Nick has to team up with his ex-best friend (Azis Ansasri) and figure out how to steal the 100 K, avoid the murderous El Chongo (Michael Pena) and exploding.

30 Minutes or Less is the kind of film I shouldn't be reviewing on such a special occasion. Why? Because it isn't a great movie and it isn't a terrible movie. It's smack dab in the "average" category, so I don't get to bring out my fancy vocabulary or seething hatred. Don't get me wrong, 30 Minutes or Less is well directed, acted, shot, and when it's funny, it's damn funny. It just isn't very well written. I think this is partly because this situation actually happened, and it wasn't a happy ending.

On the other hand, Jesse Eisenberg and Azis Ansari are both great, and Danny McBride is the perfect villain. Ruben Fleischer (Zombieland) does a great job as expected, making scenes flow very well and cool cinematography. It's also got funny and memorable characters. Honestly, I think this movie would be as good as Zombielandif the writing didn't mistake crudeness for lowbrow humor and accepted so many cliches.

Just as the main characters are constantly moving from hijink to hijink, 30 Minutes or Less is a sporadic film. While it has its moments, 30 Minutes or Less just isn't that funny, and some more consistency would have greatly helped it out. And that's all I've got for my 100th review. Again, thank everybody and here's to another 100.

Crazy, Stupid Love

Rating: 4/5

Every now and then I go and see a movie that I usually wouldn't. Usually it's something like Julie & Julia, and I almost always enjoy myself. Hell, if I wasn't adventurous about movies I wouldn't have seen films like Bridesmaids and Hobo With a Shotgun. That said, Crazy Stupid Love is not as good as either of those, but still good.

Cal Weaver (Steve Carell) is lost. He has good kids, a great wife (Julianne Moore), but all that is falling apart. His wife is leaving him, his older son (Jonah Bobo) has an unrequited love for his babysitter (Analeigh Tipton), and it's all falling on Cal. Cal's luck seems to turn around when Jacob (Ryan Gosling), a cool, confident womanizer, takes Cal under his wing. When Jacob falls in love with Hanna (Emma Stone), Cal and Jacob have to help each other.

If you couldn't tell by that last big paragraph, this is a pretty complicated movie, and I like that. I like that even though it's a romantic comedy, it doesn't take the easy route, and it doesn't overreach. The actors are all good, and the pace and script are very well put together. Crazy Stupid Love also manages to blend real, meaningful romance with very smart and funny comedy.

To be honest, my original rating for this movie was 3 stars. Then 3.5, and I'm settling on 4 now. The more I think about this movie, the more I like it. I know this review is late, but I'm recommending Crazy Stupid Love for anybody, single or not.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes Review

Rating: 3.5/5

Of all the unnecessary remakes and reboots happening these days, Rise of the Planet of the Apes actually has a good reason to exist. The original movies are dated messes of rubber masks and Charlton Heston, and Tim Burton's version has one of the worst endings I've ever seen. After seeing Rise of the Planet of the Apes, I've not only forgiven the original films (well, mostly forgiven), but I'm really excited to see where this new franchise goes. This is a reboot I can get behind.

Will (James Franco) is a corporate scientist working on the cure for alzheimer's so he can help his dad (John Lithgow). Through animal testing, Will thinks he's cracked the code with a formula that not only fixes the test apes' brains, but improves them. When Will's prize subject is put down, he brings her baby home and raises him as a friend. However, as the baby grows up, Will finds that Caesar (Andy Serkis) inherited the formula and is evolving beyond what his masters want him to be.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes is a reboot that has nothing to build off of, which is good. It's not like Spider-Man where the Raimi films are recent and the character is a permanent part of American pop culture. Planet of the Apes' premise is original enough to be revamped for the 21st century, especially because the original movies aren't that popular. ROTPOTA (rolls right off the tongue, huh) does this very well by giving us memorable and interesting characters and setting up for future installments without making a 90 minute trailer. There isn't exactly a "revolution," but I do want to see when there is.

On the technical side, there is a little more to be criticized. In the end, James Franco, while good, is hard to take seriously as a nerdy scientist when he's dating Frieda Pinto, and the lack of an ape revolution is disappointing. John Lithgow and the rest of the supporting cast is great though, and the script isn't too slow or too serious. The action scenes are also awesome, with great setpieces and cool monkey maneuvers.

Also, while starting out pretty fake looking, the CGI apes look amazing as the film progresses. This is accented by the scenes without humans, which are almost totally visual, and much more dynamic and interesting to watch. Overall, Rise of the Planet of the Apes isn't everything I wanted, it's a damn good start.

Cowboys & Aliens Review

Rating: 2/5

I think the worst kind of adaptation is the kind that just does its own thing without retaining the spirit of its source material. An appropriate example of this would be 2008's aptly-titled "The Spirit," a film that turned a classic square-jaw superhero strip into a nonsensical mess of female objectification. In comparison, 2009's "Watchmen" made big changes but got the comic book's message across very well. Sadly, Cowboy's and Aliens ends up like the former.

Jake Lonengran (Daniel Craig) wakes up in the middle of the desert with no memory and a lazer bracelet on his wrist. After beating up what appears to be Kris Kristofferson, Jake wanders into the nearest town and finds that he's a wanted man. To make things worse, Colonel Dolarhyde (Harrison Ford) wants Jake for himself. Come nightfall, the titular aliens attack and kidnap several people from the town, and the rag-tag band of cowboys take off to rescue their people as well as Jake's memory. Oh, and Olivia Wilde has a seret or something I really didn't pay that much attention.

I don't expect much from a movie called Cowboys and Aliens, but I do expect it to be at least a silly good time at the movies. It isn't. Cowboys and Aliens takes itself immensely seriously, and none of the characters ever smile or are happy about anything. Speaking of the characters, they are all complete stereotypes. I don't mean in the unique and archetypal Rango sense of things, I mean that these characters are generic, with no development or anything.

The script and direction of the film also have no sense of pacing or direction. This is evidenced when the movie randomly switches from day to night and has pointless scenes like Harrison Ford tells the Last Airbender to be a man via euthanasia of random people in the desert. It's also inconsistent, touting a line where Olivia Wilde claims that the aliens are blind in the daytime, which is confirmed by earlier scenes, and then the aliens proceed to run out and kill most of the extras. Overall, it's a pretty generic action movie despite the title.

This summer is better than last year. Last year we had very few good flicks like Inception and Scott Pilgrim, and too many Last Airbenders and Predators. This year we have fun stuff like Green Lantern, Captain America, and Horrible Bosses almost every week. Cowboys and Aliens is just a badly written, poorly acted, BORING movie that will hopefully not ruin the summer for everyone.

Captain America: The First Avenger Review

Rating: 4/5

As anyone who reads my reviews hopefully knows, I know a lot about comic books and superheroes and the like. I'm not as into them as I was about a year ago, but I still appreciate a good fun superhero flick. The last such movie was Green Lantern, which despite the inconsistencies and silliness of the plot and script, had a sense of humor about itself and was a fun ride. Luckily, Captain America doesn't make X-Men's mistake and is similarly enjoyable.

Steve Rogers (Chris Evans) is a ninety pound weakling from Brooklyn who just wants to join the army. His best buddy Bucky (Sebastian Stan) is serving in Steve's dream unit, but Steve just can't make the cut. One day, Steve gets his chance when he participates in a secret experiment and becomes Captain America. With enhanced strength, durability and agility, Steve must now fight Hitler's secret science division HYDRA, and its evil leader, Red Skull (Hugo Weaving).

Captain America has an important advantage over Green Lantern in that the acting is much better. Chris Evans does a surprisingly great job as Cap, and the supporting cast, particularly Hayley Atwell as Peggy Carter and Dominic Cooper as Iron Man's dad, is really awesome. The action is also not as low-scale as Thor, which shows that director Joe Johnston was a great choice for this material. The action scenes are big, loud, and awesome to look at, as is the much better CGI and costumes.

The script for Captain America is also very good, and it makes the ingenious decision of having the first half-hour or so be about Steve Rogers before his transformation. It gives necessary character development and shows that Peggy doesn't just like Cap for his bod, but for him. This is the first superhero movie I've sat through all year that actually makes the main character a hero. Captain America is selfless and noble, no matter what the situation. He is a true super-hero.

I liked Captain America because it was a good-old fashioned romp. It accepts the fact that the main character is a guy in a flag suit and uses that mythos to delve deep into the character. It isn't as amazing as the Dark Knight, but unlike X-Men: First Class, it isn't trying to be. Captain America also isn't a full-length trailer for the Avengers, which is awesome. I recommend it.

P.S. This time, do stay after the credits.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2

Rating:4.5/5

And so 2011 brings another billion-dollar franchise to an end. This time however it's Harry Potter, which has lasted longer and made more money than most other series. Harry Potter is also a great franchise that I hope to share with my kids and their kids for a very long time. That said, let's look at the final chapter of this saga.

The war is here and both sides are back for the final battle. Snape (Alan Rickman) is head of Hogwarts, Voldemort (Ralph Fiennes) is armed with the Elder Wand, and Harry (Daniel Radcliffe), Ron (Rupert Grint) and Hermione (Emma Watson) are ready for action. With the help of basically the entire cast of the series, everybody's favorite wizards have to end the fight, and the story, once and for all.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 is the perfect way to end the franchise. By that I mean that it takes the entire scope of the series and brings it into one epic conclusion. It reminds us why we love these movies. Harry Potter 8 is done so well that it's honesty sad because I'll miss the characters so much.

As to comparing this to the other films, I still like the Prisoner of Azkaban best, but this might be the next-best in the series. This conclusion is so good that it forgives the Twilight cash in 6th movie and the overly long setup in HP7. The acting, the special effects, the action, direction, dialog, I can't think of anything bad. Sure there are nitpicks, but I don't want to say them.

Harry Potter started for me when my mom got me the first book and I couldn't stop reading it. Now after ten years with the same actors playing characters in eight films from seven books and over two billion dollars worldwide, I'm realizing how much I'll miss this franchise. Goodbye Harry, and to everyone else, see this movie.

Horrible Bosses Review

Rating: 4/5

For this review, I'm not going to quantify this movie. I'm not to say "even though it's not as good as ____" or anything like that. I'm just going to prove that not all films have to be compared to other movies. Horrible Bosses is a very smart and very funny movie, and here is why.

Nick, Kurt, and Dale (Jason Bateman, Jason Sudeikis, and Charlie Day respectively) are three friends with one thing in common: they hate their bosses. Nick's boss (Kevin Spacey) is a manipulative sadist, Kurt's (Colin Farrell) is a cocaine addict sleazeball, and Dale is constantly sexually harassed by his boss Julia (Jennifer Aniston). Because of the economy, none of the three can quit, and decide to murder their bosses. And, of course, hijinks ensue.

What makes a comedy is the performances of the actors. Because as evidenced by Tropic Thunder, the worst written films can be funny with good performances. Horrible Bosses is one of the best acted comedies I've seen all year. The protagonists are well rounded and lovable, the bosses are evil, and they're all funny. From Colin Farrell's amazing turn with a bald cap and beer belly to Charlie Day's cocaine rampage, I laughed all the way through.

Now, that isn't to say that the writing isn't outstanding. I literally could not find one joke I didn't like, either immediately or in retrospect. I didn't favor any characters over others, I just liked all of them and all the jokes. Horrible Bosses is overall COMPLETELY worth the money. Go see it.

TrollHunter Review

Rating: 4/5


Mythology is the go-to subject matter for pop culture creators who are out of ideas. If you want to get attention, rewrite David & Goliath as a gritty war drama with lots of symbolism and get Terrence Malick to direct it. These movies are a dime a dozen, so it's cool when a movie like TrollHunter comes along an does something unique.

Three Norwegian film students (Glenn Erland Tosterud, Johanna Mørck, and Thomas Alf Larsen) are on vacation in the north and think they've caught a poacher. When the three confront their suspect Hans (Otto Jesperen), and follow him into the woods, they learn that he's in fact Norway's only Troll Hunter, and he has to eliminate the various types of trolls (mountain, bridge, woodland, etc) who break their boundaries. Hans allows the students to follow and film his operations because he's tired of the job, which has no overtime and terrible benefits.

TrollHunter is a found footage movie that feels real. The dialog is natural and well written, as is the acting. The special effects are amazing, portraying realistic trolls that actually feel intimidating. It really never gets old watching Hans burn trolls, turn them to stone, and even blow them up on his adventures. The aforementioned mythology of the trolls is also really cool, because I didn't know anything about the things until after I saw TrollHunter.

Overall, TrollHunter isn't gonna win any Oscars or golden globes, but it is worth watching. It takes insane mythology and then inserts the idea of an overworked civil servant, and blends the two very well. I recommend it, it's a good fun time at the movies.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon Review

Rating: .5/5

This is it. The final battle. Autobots versus Decepticons, Shia Labeouf vs Acting, and Michael Bay versus my intelligence. When I went in trying to like this movie, I thought once it started that I would be as angry as I was at Transformers 2. But I was just weary of the whole damn thing. Let's just get this over with shall we?

Sam Witwicky (Shia Labeouf) is back and looking for a job in Washington while living with his new girlfriend Carly (Rosie Huntington-Whitely). Meanwhile, an ancient Autobot ship is found on the moon, and both sides of the war want it. So, Sam has to be as quirky as possible while fighting evil.

First of all, no, this Transformers movie isn't as bad as the last one, but that's kind of like saying one Nazi is slightly less evil than another because he only killed 50 Jews instead of 60. Don't get me wrong, I like stupid movies where robots beat the hell out of each other. I just hate sitting through two hours of Shia Labeouf and his parents.

The character of Sam is whiny, obnoxious, selfish, and quite frankly mean spirited overall. All he does is scream at his girlfriend and Bumblebee and demand that he get recognition for running around screaming in the last two movies. It's infuriating how horrible he is, especially because the audience is supposed to relate to him.

Rosie Huntington-Whitely is better than Megan Fox, but that still doesn't matter. She has no real point of existence and just provides another excuse for Michael Bay to be an objectifying chauvinist. Let's address that actually. The racism, homophobia, and sexism are still all there, especially towards the end, and the plot still doesn't make any goddamn sense, the robots are impossible to tell one from another, the dialogue is hair tearingly awful, and the humor is so stupid I lost brain cells.

And so the most profitable (and worst) franchise in the last decade comes to an end. Is there really a point to me reviewing this? No, it already made $100 million at the box office. Can I still kvetch about it? Of course. If you haven't seen it, don't, all one of you.

Midnight in Paris Review

Rating: 5/5

Culture is a beautiful thing. Without great books, films, videogames, plays, music, opera, etc, humanity would just be a bunch of monkeys with the tendency to shoot each other. However, getting too sucked into culture can be dangerous in the sense that someone can forget the wonders of their world by becoming taken with the world created by Hemingway or McCarthy. All of this is adressed magnificently in Midnight in Paris.

Gil Pender (Owen Wilson) is a writer on vacation in Paris with his bitchy fiancee Inez (Rachel McAdams) and her equally bitchy parents. Gil is taken with the city, and wishes that he were in the roaring 20's, an era he endlessly praises in his as-yet-unfinished novel. Inez will, in true Woody Allen fashion, have none of it, and is happier admiring the pretentious and pedantic Paul (Michael Sheen). One night, Gil gets into an old fashioned car and is transported to 20's Paris, where he meets his idols and learns about himself.

Midnight in Paris has a feel to it that only Woody Allen could have produced, and he did. When Gil runs into Hemingway, the Fitzgeralds, and Picasso among others, Allen captures the characters in such a way that is both hilarious and amazing. The acting is perfect, from Owen Wilson (easily his best non Wes Anderson performance) to Adrien Brody (hilarious as Salvador Dali), everyone plays their part very well.

This is of course complemented by the ingenious writing and direction, and the cinematography. I don't know how he does it, but Woody Allen has an amazing way of capturing places. Not just people, but the cities that his characters are in. In the old days it was New York and here it's Paris. The way Allen takes us through this amazing city, whether in modern day or the 20's, made me fall in love with Paris, and I've never even been there.

Midnight in Paris isn't better than 13 Assassins in my book, but not everything has to be a contest. It's funny, touching, beautiful, amazingly well made, and pretty perfect. Easily Allen's best movie in years, Midnight in Paris is totally worth your time.

Super 8 Review

Rating: 4.5/5

Nostalgia is a funny thing. On one hand, I still play my old Nintendo and buy vinyl records. On the other hand, I can't stand the notion that because certain pop culture nic-nacs are old that makes them better than new stuff. In simpler terms, I will play Super Mario 64 all weekend with my brother, but I don't that it's better than Mario Sunshine. Luckily, Super 8 doesn't portray the obnoxious kind of nostalgia. In fact, it's the best movie I've seen so far this summer.

Joe (Cara Bailey) is a preteen living in Lillian, Ohio in 1979. He just lost his mom, and is sort of at-odds with his dad (Kyle Chandler), a cop in the town. The summer has arrived, and Joe is helping his friend Charles (Riley Griffiths) shoot a zombie movie with the other kids in town. One night while shooting a scene with Joe's crush Alice (Elle Fanning), the boys and girl barely survive a catastrophic train crash, during which something punches it's way out of the train. Suddenly, the air force is taking over the town and people are disappearing, and it's up to Joe and crew to solve the mystery.

If you couldn't tell based on the trailer or my plot description, or that Steven Spielberg produced the thing, Super 8 is made to look and feel like a kids movie from the 80's. And it succeeds magnificently. Everything from the amazing direction and composition to the wonderful child actors makes Super 8 feel like The Goonies or ET. It's seriously uncanny how well JJ Abrams pulls it off. The story is unique, the dialogue is super well written, and the special effects are a perfect mix of real and CGI.

Honestly, I don't know what else to say. Super 8 is just the first movie this summer that's really enthralled me and brought me into the world of the film. I remember making bad monster movies with my friends with a VHS camera and some ketchup, and when I could have secret hangouts with my friends. This film was nostalgic to me in a beautiful way, not a way that exploited my childhood like Transformers. It's just a really, really good movie that is absolutely worth seeing more that once.

Green Lantern Review

Rating: 3/5

I think I found the problem with most modern superhero movies: they can't accept what they are. The Dark Knight and the Spider-Man movies took the fact that their main characters are grown men in vinyl tights beating people up and dove into the psychology of what makes a superhero do what they do. Movies like those, and even Thor understand that audiences can accept the silliness of superheroes as long as the plot is engaging and the characters fun. Green Lantern does just that.

Hal Jordan (Ryan Reynolds) is a cocky pilot who gets fired for proving that drones aren't as good as real pilots. One night, Hal encounters Abin Sur (Temuera Morrison), a dying alien and member of the Green Lantern Corps, a universe-wide team of space cops who wield rings powered by willpower. Abin's ring chooses Hal as his successor, and Hal must train up fast and defeat Parallax, the living body of fear, antithesis of will, and his minion Hector Hammond (Peter Sarsgaard).

This is one of those movies I went in hating. I hated the trailer, the choice of Ryan Reynolds, the CGI, the use of Sinestro, etc. However, I was pleasantly surprised with most of those. Ryan Reynolds brings his usual egotism and lovable-goofball atitude, but also portrays a man who is dutiful and loyal to those he cares about. Blake Lively also does pretty well, and Michael Clark Duncan and Geoffrey Rush are great as Kilowog and Tomar-Re respectively.

A lot of critics had a problem with this movie's script, but I didn't mind it. While there are some silly lines and convoluted story elements, the film has a beginning, middle, and end, with epic setpieces and amazing battles. However, though the character of Sinestro is set up and well portrayed by Mark Strong, he's barely in the movie, which is disappointing because he's so interesting. Overall, the movie doesn't try to reach too high like X-Men or too low like Megamind, and works well.

Even though I try not to think about the comics when reviewing movies, Green Lantern has several clever references that I couldn't ignore. Overall, Green Lantern isn't great, but it could've been SO much worse that I couldn't help but enjoy it. The characters are well rounded, the plot is epic and fun, and it doesn't take itself too seriously. Though I still had some problems with the meat-strip look of the costumes, I got over it. Green Lantern is a true summer blockbuster, and it doesn't suck, so go try it out.

X-Men: First Class Review

Rating: 1/5

The X-Men are outstaying their welcome. After two great movies and two terrible movies, I honestly wasn't interested in this movie. For one thing, it's a reboot, and for another, it's directed by Matthew Vaughn, who last presented a ten-year-old girl being hammered to a pulp with a mallet as harmless entertainment. People claim this is supposed to be on the emotional level of The Dark Knight. In a universe where Your Highness wins an Oscar, maybe.

Charles Xavier (James McAvoy) and his adopted sister Raven (Jennifer Lawrence) are living peacefully in England until the CIA recruits them to help explain a new species being born, mutants. Meanwhile, Erik Lensherr (Michael Fassbender), is a holocaust survivor and master of magnetism (get it?) who is hunting down his concentration camp tormentor, the evil mutant Sebastian Shaw (Kevin Bacon). The two eventually meet up and their doomed friendship begins.

Charles and Erik make the mistake of choosing around eight X-Men for the new team, and having none of them be cool, except for the one who dies. Seriously, I don't want to see the screaming flying squirrel kid, mosquito girl, Mystique, and blue teen wolf more than I want to see Cyclops or Storm. While there are some very clever cameos, overall there are just lame X-Men. Even though I gave them a chance, after a while I realized I just didn't care at all about the characters because they are criminally underdeveloped.

Even McAvoy and Fassbender have no serious character growth. They aren't "Charles" and "Erik" like the trailer says, they are just Professor X and Magneto, but younger than Ian McKellan and Patrick Stewart. The script overall ranges from mildly competent to cringe-worthy, especially in the unbelievably idiotic scene where Mystique (who spent over 16 years in England but has an American accent) names all of the characters their comic-book names. It's also inconsistent, having an early scene where January Jones FLICKS Magneto of a boat, and then be overpowered by him and Xavier with a bed. Seriously.

The acting is just ok. James McAvoy and Fassbender are good, but because the script and horrifically flat direction beat you over the head with the fact that the two will be enemies, it's hard to see them as friends at all. January Jones proves to be not only disturbingly skinny but incapable of human emotion, and a terrible actress. Everyone else is also either bland (Banshee) or absolutely horrible (everyone else). Magneto's helmet looks cool until it inexplicably becomes red and he gets a red leather jacket. The whole Holocaust thing is also completely pointless and in terrible taste, considering that the fact that Magneto was tortured by ANOTHER MUTANT making him hate humans makes NO SENSE.

Overall, X-Men: First Class is better than Kick-Ass, but in the same way that Revenge of the Sith is better than Attack of the Clones. Both still left a bad taste in my mouth and gave me a feeling of embarrassment that I was the target audience. It isn't horrible, but it's so damn silly I can't call it good. Simply put, it isn't deep or smart enough to be The Dark Knight or even Iron Man, and it takes itself much to seriously that it's not fun like Hellboy or The Incredible Hulk. It's just a really, really stupid, stupid, stupid movie. Rotten Tomatoes calls it Marvel's Batman Begins. I call it Marvel's Jonah Hex, unbelievably stupid, but utterly forgettable.

The Hangover Part 2 Review

Rating: 1.5/5


Sequels are tough to do in almost every situation. Not in the Lord of the Rings sense where the sequel is just part of the story. I mean in the sense of Toy Story, where you have to take established characters and put them in an interesting new adventure. For this type of sequel, the characters must experience a significant character ark for the audience to stay interested. The Hangover 2 fails at this.

The Wolfpack is back for another wedding, and this time it's Stu's (Ed Helms) wedding, and it's in Thailand. Yes, Allan (Zach Galifianakis), Phil (Bradley Cooper), and Chow (Ken Jeong) are all along for the ride, and I don't need to describe any more. Why? Because Hangover 2 is a remake of the first one, just in Bankok and with Paul Giamatti. The only real difference is that it isn't funny.

The original Hangover was incredibly low-brow humor, but very funny. The jokes, while very vulgar, were very well done because they allowed us to use our imagination to picture what happened in the night of partying. This time they just either flat out tell us or show us. The rest of the jokes are either EXACT COPIES of the ones from the first one (all of the explanations for why the boys got so messed up are at least) or references to the first one.

Also, there's this weird undercurrent of homophobia in the movie, specifically when the group meets a pre-op transexual. It doesn't say anything outright hateful, but it presents transexuals and homosexual relationships as some thing disgusting and unnatural. Maybe I was imagining the homophobia, but I felt it needed addressing. At that scene, two thirds of the audience all went "EEEEWWW AAUUUUGHHH!!!!!" in the theatre I was in. Sorry guys, I know it's surprising in context, but yes, that kind of thing exists. It's 2011, just use your iPhone and go on wikipedia.

At the end of the day, all Hangover 2 needed to do was be funny, which it isn't. The script is just a rehash of the first one with an Asian setting, and tries to make humor out of stuff like pedophilia, which is just a bad choice. The performances are fine, but the only funny person is Ken Jeong, who's barely in the movie. It's arguable in the first place if The Hangover needed a sequel, but it definitely didn't need THIS sequel.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides Review

Rating: 3.5/5

Damn do I love these movies. I love the characters (well, not all of them), I love the writing, I love the stories, I just have such a good time watching these things. And yes, At World's End is the worst out of all of these, because yes, it is insanely convoluted and too long. However, I still like watching it. I also love the director, Gore Verbinski (Rango, The Ring), I think he's one of the essential elements. Wait, the Chicago guy directed this one? Oh boy.

Johnny Depp is back as Captain Jack Sparrow, and he's still making trouble wherever he goes. This time, he's looking for the fountain of youth, and on his way he encounters an old flame (Penelope Cruz), Blackbeard (Ian McShane), and old rival Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush). All of these encounters end up being more of a race to the fountain through treacherous waters, mermaids, and good old fashioned sword fights.

The Pirates series has always been one of those "and hijinks ensue" type things, but in a good way. By that I mean that theere are a lot of zany moments, but most of them are funny because of the acting. That doesn't change here because Captain Jack is funnier than he's been since the first movie. The other performances are good too, especially Blackbeard and Barbossa, but Penelope Cruz is kinda flat. The characters of Phillip and Selene are also just unnecessary, undeveloped, obnoxious, and are just there to have a forced romance.

Action scenes have always at been the heart of this series, and while there isn't anything to outdo the amazing ship battle sequence from the last one, there are some pretty good ones. It's always fun to see the main characters slicing, punching, kicking, and smacking their way through bad guys. However, there are some scenes that are a little more than a little absurd, but not many. Some dialog sequences also don't make sense, but again, they are outweighed by the good stuff.

Pirates 4 is the real start of the summer. It will make more money than Thor, is better than Thor, and comes out closer to the end of the school year. I'm not done with school yet, but I'm very happy that I saw Pirates 4. Even though it's nowhere near the quality of the first two, it's still a lot of fun. Not fun enough to rush out and see, but pretty fun.

Bridesmaids Review

Rating: 4/5

It's not fair to assume that women can't be as crude and as raunchy as men. It's borderline sexist, but it's also not true. I think this stereotype really originates from the culture of terrible romantic comedies that are the norm in America. Those movies portray either strong women who give in to the hunk du jour, or women who need the hunk du jour to survive. Thank god for Kristen Wiig and Bridesmaids.

Annie (Kristen Wiig) is complicated. She's in a casual sex relationship with Ted (Jon Hamm) but wants more romance. She wants to just live but she gave up on her dream bakery business. She meets the nicest guy ever (Chris O'Dowd), but can't let herself be happy. One day, Annie's best friend (Maya Rudolph) is getting married, and Annie is the maid of honor. However, Annie enters into a rivalry with the beautiful, rich, caring Helen (Rose Byrne), and the spiral of hijinks begins.

Let me address my earlier statement, "thank god for Kristen Wiig and Bridesmaids." I say this because I think Bridesmaids might be the smartest female comedy I've ever seen. The cast of women, aside from the brilliant character of Megan, aren't especially quirky until they are developed, which they are wonderfully. Every character is unique, smart, and, with the exception of no-one, very, very funny.

Instead of the standard romantic comedy character arc of: 1) What a cute guy!! 2) Wow, it turns out this guy is deeper than I thought!! 3) I hate him! We got into an argument based on a trick/misunderstanding!! 4) 20 minutes of pouting!! 5) Happy ending!!!, we get human characters, especially with Kristen Wiig. While Annie is a complete mess, we can't help but love her and want her to succeed. By the end of Bridesmaids, I wanted something good to happen to Annie so badly, because I thought she deserved it.

Even though there are a bunch of gags girls wil get more than guys, Bridesmaids is one of the funniest movies I've seen in 2011. Its humor can be gross, but overall is very smart and in many parts, downright hysterical. Some people may be turned off by the apparent girliness, but Bridesmaids is really, really worth your time and money.