Shark Night 3D

Rating: .5/5

Another year, another killer fish flick. Seriously, don't quote me on this, but I'd take the gamble that at least one fishsploitation film comes out per year. None of them are good per se, but as evidenced by Sharktopus and Piranha 3D, they can be fun. There are key factors to doing this, namely an R rating. I haven't seen a movie all year like Shark Night 3D. I have not seen a movie this year that falls on its face so hard right out of the gate.

When Tulane student Malik (Sinqua Walls) passes a big test, Sarah (Sara Paxton) decides to take him an their other friends (of which there are too many to name) out to her family's vacation home in the middle of nowhere, Louisiana. On the way the group runs into to obnoxious rednecks (Chris Carmack and Joshua Leonard) who know Sarah. After partying for around 20 minutes, Malik's arm gets bitten off by a shark in the lake. To their horror, the students discover that the rednecks put sharks in the lake to kill college kids. Why? Because.

If you couldn't infer from the previous paragraph, Shark Night 3D is terrible. So terrible I'm giving it my rare 1/2 a star rating. I have genuinely not seen a horror movie so inept and stupid since My Soul to Take, which was at least funny. I tried, I really did, to laugh at Shark Night, but I just couldn't. The script and acting are so beyond just bad movie acting, I think some sort of enlightenment was reached. But I wouldn't mind as much if not for one big problem/

Shark Night was dead on arrival as soon as the filmmakers decided to make a PG-13 movie. Just think about that for a second. I wasn't Piranha 3D's biggest fan, but it had extreme gore and female nudity, so I was entertained. Shark Night is clearly trying to rip Piranha off anyway, so why it's PG-13 baffles me. This may sound like I'm being a snob at a dumb horror movie, but I own Stargate on DVD and I liked the new Conan so leave me alone.

Shark Night 3D does absolutely everything wrong. The acting sucks, the script sucks, the story sucks, the CGI sucks, and the fact that it's PG-13 SUCKS. If we got to see some naked women and some awesome gore, I wouldn't have hated it so much. Seriously, this is the worst moviegoing experience currently out there. Usually, I wouldn't bother seeing this film. But I did, so there's my two cents.