Conan the Barbarian

Rating: 3.5/5

OK, let me get something straight. When remakes like this one come out, a lot of newspaper critics start venerating the original and pointing out good qualities that don't exist. For example, critics said that the Wolfman remake didn't capture the "internal conflict of a man becoming a monster" of the original film. Seriously, watch the original 50's Wolfman, and tell me if that's in there. It isn't, and the remake doesn't care. Like this 2010 Wolfman, this 2011 Conan is just out for kicks.

When Conan (Jason Momoa) was a kid, his tribe of barbarians, including his dad (Ron Perlman) was slaughtered by the evil warlord Kalar Zym (Stephen Lang). Now all grown up into Khal Drogo from Game of Thrones, Conan is living the life of women and crushing his enemies. When he gets a violent reminder of his past, Conan decides to finally take his revenge against Zym and his daughter (Rose McGowan), as well as charm the pants off of a beautiful girl (Rachel Nichols).

And that's the whole plot. Of course, the whole thing is interweaved with a ton of yelling, sex and killing, but it's simple overall. And that's a good thing, because I don't want any BS when I walk into a movie called Conan the Barbarian. This is just what a Conan film should be. Conan the Barbarian is a nonsensical, ludicrous, and really dumb movie, but I loved every minute of it. I don't know why, but when I watched Conan I just had so much fun watching Jason Momoa kill or bone everything he sees.

Don't get me wrong, the writing direction, and CGI are all terrible, and besides Momoa and Ron Perlman, the acting is awful. But stupidity is a thing I can work with in action films. Not the kind of stupidity where Shia Labeouf is the main character in a Transformers movie, but the dumbness of Rose McGowan reading people's minds by licking minor cuts she gives them. The action is really what does it though, because it is fantastically choreographed and shot.

Don't go see Conan the Barbarian if you're expecting Lord of the Rings. Hell, don't even see it if you're expecting the original. Go see Conan if you're up for a bloody, nudity-filled, and silly ride through a silly world where silly people do silly things for silly reasons. And if nothing else, Morgan Freeman narrates it. No seriously.