The Pirates! Band of Misfits

Animated movies have come a very long way in recent years. I could count Oscar-worthy animated films forever, most of them being made before The Academy even made a category. The fact that the film world no longer dismisses animation as "cartoons" is a wonderful thing, because it allows people like John Lasseter, Brad Bird, and Hayao Miyazaki to do their thing and receive the praise they deserve. Let me now segue into Aardman, creators of Wallace and Gromit. I just want to say that they are brilliant, but you wouldn't know it from this film. The Pirate Captain (Hugh Grant) is an incompetent outlaw with a fat parrot named Polly and a crew of wimps and lazies. Meanwhile, the whole pirate community is gearing up for Pirate of the Year, a contest the Captain has always wanted to win. Because his competition includes the richest and most feared pirates on the seven seas, our hero goes on a series of raid to build up booty and respect. One of these raids results in the capture of Charles Darwin (David Tennant), who informs the Captain that Polly is actually a Dodo bird, long thought extinct. And of course, hijinks ensue. Ok, first things first, yes, Aardman's signature claymation is really good and still fun to look at. Yes it's unique and smooth and stylized well. Yes the movie has that dry British humor with its own flair and appeal. It's just that it isn't funny. Not the slapstick, nor the endless sight gags and one-liners, nor the dialog. Not even the use of a Flight of the Conchords song is that funny. I don't get who Aardman thought this film would appeal to. Elders won't really care because it's a goofy cartoon, and it aims too low for kids above fourteen. But when I saw the movie, my theater was packed with little kids who literally never laughed. Honestly, I was kinda saddened by the whole thing, because the trailers had gotten me pretty psyched. I just feel let down, ya know? The movie just doesn't make sense, it isn't funny, the voice actors barely try, and it's a mess. Pirates never get a fair roll of the dice in movies. These men were treated as the scum of the earth back by society in their day, and were just as mean as the Vikings or the Mongols. They raped, pillaged, burned, murdered, stole, and cheated their way through the world. But besides the antihero character of Jack Sparrow, pirates are always associated with the romantic lead like Errol Flynn. Ok, that has nothing to do with this film, but The Pirates! is still just lazy and forgettable. Sail away from these shores me harties.