Battleship

Being someone who was raised Jewish in New York City, I know when it's appropriate to just say "oy." Not "oy" followed by curses and epithets. Just to sit down, put the thumb and the first two fingers of my hands to my forehead, and say "oy." For example, when major movie studios begin producing films based on board games, it is appropriate to say "oy." Man is it ever appropriate while watching Battleship to say "oy." Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch), is an unemployed screwup whose behavior is so bad, his older brother Stone (Alexander Skarsgaard) makes Alex join him in the navy. A year later, on the eve on the annual international naval war games, the ships of Alex, Stone, and a Japanese rew are trapped in a forcefield after setting out. The entrapped destroyers are then forced into battle with three alien ships all armed to the teeth. Meanwhile, Alex's physical therapist girlfriend (Brooklyn Decker) is stuck in the mountains with a whole mess of ET's trying to phone home. And of course, hijinks ensue. The first thing most rational people asked when seeing the first trailers for Battleship was: "why?" I myself thought it was fake. But no, it's real, and I watched it. And after all the uproar and the complaining and the jokes, I'm kind of disappointed that the film isn't really a big deal. It isn't good, GOD no, but it isn't the antichrist. Battleship is just kind of there; nobody would mind if it was made twenty years ago. Of course it has all the crackpot jingoism, all the ludicrous twists, and all the bad acting you could want, but I didn't despise it like I thought I would. Don't get me wrong, Battleship is one of the most inept, cheesy, and moronic blockbusters of recent years, but I don't want to waste energy on it. Unlike Transformers or Dragonball: Evolution, it didn't rape my childhood. Unlike Daybreakers, it didn't talk down to me. I just don't care that much. However, the script and direction make no damn sense, the actors take it way too seriously, and it's just silly. Why is Rihanna the only girl in the navy? Why do the aliens make a battlefield? Why can alien missiles pass the field bot not human ones? The list goes on. I really don't think there was a point of me writing this review. Quite literally everybody knew Battleship was gonna suck, and lo and behold it totally did. I doubt that Hasbro will learn that adapting toys that had a cartoon, comics, and an animated film to live action is easier than adapting a board game, but who cares? Battleship has come and gone, it failed at the box office, nobody had the desire to talk about it, and we should just leave it at that. This is in the end only a blip on the radar. A terrible blip, but a blip.