Transformers: Dark of the Moon Review

Rating: .5/5

This is it. The final battle. Autobots versus Decepticons, Shia Labeouf vs Acting, and Michael Bay versus my intelligence. When I went in trying to like this movie, I thought once it started that I would be as angry as I was at Transformers 2. But I was just weary of the whole damn thing. Let's just get this over with shall we?

Sam Witwicky (Shia Labeouf) is back and looking for a job in Washington while living with his new girlfriend Carly (Rosie Huntington-Whitely). Meanwhile, an ancient Autobot ship is found on the moon, and both sides of the war want it. So, Sam has to be as quirky as possible while fighting evil.

First of all, no, this Transformers movie isn't as bad as the last one, but that's kind of like saying one Nazi is slightly less evil than another because he only killed 50 Jews instead of 60. Don't get me wrong, I like stupid movies where robots beat the hell out of each other. I just hate sitting through two hours of Shia Labeouf and his parents.

The character of Sam is whiny, obnoxious, selfish, and quite frankly mean spirited overall. All he does is scream at his girlfriend and Bumblebee and demand that he get recognition for running around screaming in the last two movies. It's infuriating how horrible he is, especially because the audience is supposed to relate to him.

Rosie Huntington-Whitely is better than Megan Fox, but that still doesn't matter. She has no real point of existence and just provides another excuse for Michael Bay to be an objectifying chauvinist. Let's address that actually. The racism, homophobia, and sexism are still all there, especially towards the end, and the plot still doesn't make any goddamn sense, the robots are impossible to tell one from another, the dialogue is hair tearingly awful, and the humor is so stupid I lost brain cells.

And so the most profitable (and worst) franchise in the last decade comes to an end. Is there really a point to me reviewing this? No, it already made $100 million at the box office. Can I still kvetch about it? Of course. If you haven't seen it, don't, all one of you.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Rating: 0/5

The Transformers cartoon and toys were an important part of many people's childhoods, including mine. When the first movie came out, I didn't think it was great, but it was entertaining. I expected the same thing from the sequel. What I got instead was one of the worst movies I have ever seen. I'm giving it the lowest possible flixster rating I can, but I wish I could give it lower. This movie is so awful it creates a new genre of terrible films.

So what if it's based on a series of toys? That's absolutely no excuse to disregard basic tenets of narrative and film making. As for the narrative, why the HELL should I care about Shia LaBouf or Megan Fox? I want to see awesome robot fights, not two horrid actors with absolutely no chemistry.

I am so tired of everyone saying that they will see a movie just because of Megan Fox. She is "hot" in the blandest, most boring way possible, and she's possibly the worst actress working today. If you really want to see a girl just as attractive as her for free, go to your local beach or Hooters.

I've never seen so many pointless characters in one movie. From obnoxious human characters to never named robots, all of them are undeveloped and uninteresting. Speaking of undeveloped, why in the world are the Transformers only in a 4th of their own movie? Why spend $200,000,000 on Soundwave and Devastator, if they're not gonna do anything?

The story? What story? It's like diarrhea, a huge, unintelligible mess. The writing is even worse, and don't even get me started on the action scenes. If I had any idea what was going on during these scenes, the movie would get at least half a star more. The awful cinematography, combined with the ugliest robot designs I've ever seen creates the worst action I think I've ever seen.

Also, did we really need to have a movie longer than The Dark Knight? Really? REALLY?!? But all I've said isn't the worst part. That honor goes to Skidz and Mudflap, two twin Autobots who walk like monkeys, have big lips, grills, and talk in cartoon Ebonics. I'm offended, not racially, but by the fact that producers or writers would actually use this as humor in 2009.

Overall, I could never express my full hatred for this movie for killing my childhood and giving me this movie. He's the biggest hack in filmmaking history. If see it in a store or blockbuster, burn it.