Hotel Transylvania

C'mon Hollywood, why are you doing this to Genndy Tartakovsky? He is literally one of the most talented animators working today; he created Samurai Jack and Powerpuff Girls for Pete's sake. Why is he doing movies like Hotel Transylvania? Films like this allow almost no creativity or experimentation with the medium of animation, and are really scraping the bottom of the barrel in terms of humor and story. Want barebones animation? Look here. Want a terrible plot? Look here. Want a cringe-worthy song at the end? You're in luck. Want a film that should've been direct to DVD and is worse than Shrek Forever After? Welcome to Hotel Transylvania. After losing his wife and being forced into hiding, Dracula (Adam Sandler) starts a hotel for monsters which doubles as a safe haven where he can raise Mavis (Selena Gomez), his teenage daughter. Mavis is about to turn 118, and Dracula wants the celebration to be perfect and to curb Mavis' desire to leave and travel the world. Stuff seems to be on track, and usual guests like Frankenstein (Kevin James), Wolfman (Steve Buscemi), and The Mummy (Cee-Lo Green) are all showing up and helping with the party. That ends however, with the arrival of Johnny (Andy Samberg), a human backpacker who finds the Hotel by way of being a complete idiot. Dracula hires to get rid of Johnny, but Mavis falls for him, and hijinks ensue. Hotel Transylvania made me feel like I was on some sort of hallucinogenic drug, in a bad way. A very bad way. Dear god, was this a bad trip. Hotel Transylvania is, for lack of a better word, schizophrenic. Someone or something is constantly moving or jiggling or twitching, even when nobody is talking or making noise. And when there is talking and noise making: oy. Just oy. I honestly had no idea what the hell was going on ninety-nine percent of the time, and when I did follow the story, it was so absurd and insane I started looking for the David Lynch credit. People in the audience around me laughed at what I think were jokes, but as it stands I cannot identify specific lines or scenes that made me laugh or were supposed to. If anything, I left Hotel Transylvania extremely confused and mildly terrified. Furthermore, whose stupid idea was it to make Cee-Lo Green a minor character? I love the guy and I love his music, and making him an exuberant and musical mummy is a great idea, but don't just keep him for the very end. Also, Fran Drescher as Frankenstein's wife? Why? Why would you subject us to that? Not to mention how profoundly dumb the plot is; it's a complete pandering to Disney kids, and it's really boring. I'm not quite sure what I expected, but I didn't expect something this shockingly lazy and terrible. Now I know what it's like for Roger Ebert to sit through a Friday the 13th film. It's just bewildering and upsetting and maddening. I mean it. I am baffled by Hotel Transylvania. I literally have no words. Wow. I mean wow is this one bad. Everything falls flat. Everything backfires. Nothing works. Wow. I don't care if it's a kid's film, there is no excuse. Bible cartoons put more effort into their productions. Sorry, I know I'm overreacting, but I just can't deal with this film. Hotel Transylvania truly needs to be seen to be believed. It's Wal-Mart Bargain Bin level terrible. How do I even end this review? I have no idea what else to say. Genndy Tartakovsky...I feel so bad for you man. You're so talented and creative, I don't understand how you get stuck with crap like this. Maybe that's why I had such a problem with a dumb kids film. Or maybe just because it's awful.