Wrath of the Titans

There's a limit to some things. For me, the limit on dumb action movies trying to be serious is very low. I absolutely cannot stand it when films like The Book of Eli or Daybreakers try to have an air of philosophy and depth amidst all the violence and nudity. This isn't Tarantino; movies like those should be nothing but an excuse to check your brain at the door. I don't walk into a movie called "Wrath of the Titans" expecting mediations on the role of organized religion in society. Whatever, let's just get this over with. A few years after the first movie, a curly-haired Perseus (Sam Worthington) is living happily as a fisherman with his son. That is until Zeus (Liam Neeson) comes to tell him that all the new atheism is diminishing the powers of the gods, including those trapping the titans in Mount Tartarus. Since that isn't enough, both Hades (Ralph Fiennes) and Ares (Edgar Ramirez) now serve Cronos. With the titans running amok, Perseus, Queen Andromeda (Rosamund Pike), and the son of Poseidon (Toby Kebbel) have to beat the baddies and save the day. Wrath of the Titans is a war, and not of what you might think. It's a war of European accents. This movie features Italians, Brits, Aussies, Spaniards, and a few I didn't recognize. And all of them try to talk over each other, creating a tornado of gibberish. Not that the story is clear or well told anyway, but you know what I mean. The film also has no rules; Perseus flies through walls and it has no effect, monsters materialize from midair, and wounds heal instantly. Finally, most of the action scenes are just Perseus getting his head kicked in by Ares. Honestly, Wrath of the Titans was a surprise.I did not think the series could go lower than the two minutes of Kraken and the ridiculous romance. This time the filmmakers somehow made it feel like they slapped two independently made bad movies together. It's like a cream-cheese bagel where the cream-cheese is all over the sides when you unwrap it. There's just too much and not much of it is worth trying to wipe up with your fingers. It's just a hot mess. I don't even know why I went to see this movie. I knew it was gonna be bad, so why did I even bother? Oh well, at least now I can gripe about it. Wrath of the Titans isn't fun, or clever, or smart, or anything; it's just kind of there. The movie thinks it's some sort of self-aware callback to Ray Harryhausen, but no, no it's not. Wrath of the Titans is just a particularly bad monster flick, nothing more. Hopefully, the next one won't be anything less.