Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows

Rating: 1/5

Sherlock Holmes is not James Bond. He is not Jason Bourne, or MacGyver, or John McClane, or or an Inglorious Basterd. I have read just about every single Sherlock Holmes novel and story, I've seen the Basil Rathbone movies, and the excellent BBC show Sherlock. I grew up with Sherlock Holmes, and that is only one reason I hated this movie.

Sherlock Holmes (Robert Downey, Jr.) is back with a newly married Watson (Jude Law) in tow. Holmes still doesn't want to accept Watson's matrimony, and drags him into another wacky case. As it turns out, evil college professor James Moriarty (Jared Harris) wants to incite war between France and Germany and reap the profits. After figuring this out off-screen and rescuing Madam Simza (Noomi Rapace) from Moriarty's assassins, Holmes needs to stop a villain who is always one step ahead.

Ok, as much as I like RDJ, giving him a pipe and a British accent does not a Sherlock Holmes make. Neither does having him use big words and deduce conclusions from ridiculous and impossible evidence. Neither does having him play out fights in his head so we have to watch every stupid victorian kung-fu scene twice. A way to make a Holmes nerd like me happy would be to have a) a plot that actually makes sense, b) pacing and buildup, and c) little things like character development and actual detective work. Also, having Moriarty put a big "M" on everything probably isn't the best idea either.

But no, bad Jess. You're a film critic, don't get weighed down by book nostalgia. Anyways, say what you want about the first movie, at least it made sense. Not a whole lot mind you, but it did. At least it established that Mark Strong had combat training, whereas Moriarty is a "boxing champ" who delivers judo chops and grapples. At least in the last one the amount of henchmen didn't change between shots and there wasn't the stupid fast-slow-fast thing every second. All this combined with schizophrenic direction and editing, I got genuinely dizzy at parts.

Both "Sherlock Holmes" movies are bad examples of Hollywood reboots, but the first actually had Holmes as a detective who stumbles onto something huge, not a wisecracking version of Batman. Seriously, there's no sense of danger (Holmes "dies" around five times), most of the action doesn't have anything to do with anything, and there's this weird undercurrent of homoeroticism. Various parts hint pretty strongly that Holmes is trying to get Watson to marry him instead of his wife. But neither movie is Sherlock Holmes, and this one isn't even a good action movie. Just don't bother.

Albert Nobbs

Rating: 4.5/5

One of my favorite albums is "The Stranger" by Billy Joel. I grew up listening to it, and I've seen Mr. Joel himself play most of the album live. So, as most people familiar with the title track do, I get the message of being yourself. But what if someone put on the face of a stranger and became that person permanently? Where would that leave them, especially if they never took off the mask? Uplifting, or tragic? Shakespearean, or Albert Nobbs?

In early 20th century Ireland, there is a hotel. It isn't the fanciest, but it has Albert Nobbs (Glenn Close), the best waiter in the world. Nobbs is always on time, never screws up, always does more than needed, and is respected and well liked. Albert Nobbs is also a woman who has dressed as a man for the past thirty years. A victim of horrible abuse, Albert has retreated completely into her male identity, and harbors a crush on Helen (Mia Wasikowska), a naive young maid. After meeting another, married, crossdresser (Janet McTeer), Albert decides it's high time she realized her dream.

Albert Nobbs is a beautiful tragedy. It has gorgeous cinematography, costumes, and sets, but it is very melancholic. Albert, whose real name is never revealed, has made a prison within her own clothing. We never see Albert without her tuxedo or male pyjamas, and it's sad. This is a sad story about a woman who has learned to survive in her own sad and strange way. Weirdly enough, it's very good. Here we are presented with a rare kind of film that does not drive us away with its sadness.

The real reason to see the movie though, is for Glenn Close in the title role. I am not familiar with her work at all, but wow. She does such a good job here of making a slightly crazy transvestite incredibly endearing and fascinating to watch, I have no words but wow. The rest of the acting, besides a criminally underused Brendan Gleeson, is also great. Like Mickey Rourke in The Wrestlerm Close holds it together.

Albert Nobbs isn't for everyone. It's a bit weird, there are very cheesy moments, and as I said it's melancholy and the ending is really sad. But Glenn Close is so great as Albert it deserves to be seen. There isn't anything else like it currently out, and there won't be in the near future. And to me, in this world of 3D, sequels, reboots, and remakes, that makes it worthwile.

The Descendants

Rating: 1.5/5

Welcome, my friends, to Oscar season. Expect to see a lot of period dramas, serious character pieces, indie darlings, and films about quirky but happy families that are interrupted but brought closer together as a result. Seriously, look at every year from like 2005 onward and every category, especially the last one, pops up. From the very good The Squid and the Whale a while back to last year's ok The Kids are All Right, these films are commonplace and often pretentious. Here to prove that stereotype is The Descendants; a true example of Oscar Bait.

Matt King (George Clooney) us a wealthy and detached lawyer living in Hawaii whose wife is in a coma after a serious accident. Matt is sitting on top of his a huge plot of land that his cousins want to develop into hotels, but he's not sure. It also turns out that Matt's wife was having an affair with a developer (Matthew Lillard) who has interests in Matt's sale. For the first time, Matt looks at his life and sees the imperfections. Now with the help of his "quirky" daughter (Shailene Woodley) and some unexpected allies, Matt has to work it all out.

The Squid and the Whale, Little Miss Sunshine, The Kids are All Right, Juno, and The Descendants. While individually unique, each film is, at its core, about a seemingly perfect group of upper-middle-class white people who are in transition with one another. Get ready for sex jokes, kids cursing like sailors, one-on-one character development, "eclectic" soundtracks, and old people not getting it. Films like this are released almost every single year around Oscar season, get lauded by major critics, take out full ads in the paper, and don't usually win. And out of all these examples, The Descendants is the most mundane.

I did not like this movie. Every shot, every line of dialog, every character, every performance, and every direction is tantamount to a cookie cutter Oscar film. Each element of The Descendants has been done a million times. But here it just doesn't work. The script and story are completely fake, George Clooney is the same as every drama he's made since Michael Clayton, Shailene Woodley is very annoying, and it's boring. The Descendants is a movie a lot of critics will love, but that does not make it good. This is a film anyone could have made. Combine that with a very cheesy ending, and that's what we have here.

George Clooney wants to win the Oscar for best actor. I believe that is a major reason he made Up In the Air and The Descendants. However Up In the Air featured Clooney as a character with genuine conflict in a story about the real issue of massive corporate downsizing. The Descendants insensitively presents a tragedy as an interruption of the lives of generic characters with superficial conflicts. It's pretentious, very badly acted, obnoxious, and unpleasant to watch.

Hugo

Rating: 5/5

Let's talk about the cinema. Not innovations or the art of film, I mean the cinema. I mean the experience of buying a ticket and popcorn, taking your seat, and losing yourself. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think there's anything else like that experience. Sadly, recent innovations in home theaters and videogames have made a lot of people question the relevance of going to the movies. But I don't think the moviegoing experience will be replaced any time soon, especially when there are films like Hugo.

Hugo Cabret (Asa Butterfield) is a young orphan living in the walls of a 1930's Parisian train station, who keeps the clocks running while avoiding the station inspector (Sacha Baron Cohen) and thereby the orphanage. In his little hideaway, Hugo keeps a small automaton that Hugo tries to fix in memory of his late father (Jude Law), who found it at work. To do so, Hugo steals parts form Georges (Ben Kingsley), a pessimistic old toy shop owner. After Hugo is caught by Georges and loses his father's notebook, he finds a friend in Isabelle (Chloe Moretz), Georges' granddaughter, who introduces him to the outside. Slowly, Hugo and Isabelle find out about Georges' mysterious past with cinema and Hugo's automaton.

In 2010, my favorite film of the year was Toy Story 3. I saw a bunch of other brilliant movie like Inception and True Grit, but nothing topped Toy Story 3. Until now, 2011' TS3 was 13 Assassins, a masterpiece in its own right. Now, it's Hugo. Martin Scorsese's love letter to old film is so brilliant, so magical, it deserves nothing less than Best Picture. Everything about it is perfect: the cinematography is beautiful, with long swooping shots that perfectly sync with the ingenious sets and production design and gorgeous music. Jugo's story and script are unique, enthralling, and remind you how to love the movies. And, anyone can enjoy it.

Unlike most of the films ever made, Hugo leaves none behind, giving every single character a unique arc, backstory, and conflict. Seriously, every single one. Of course, this would not apply if Martin Scorsese did not use all of his brilliance to direct Hugo with the detail and emotion of a Diego Rivera painting. It also helps to have all the of the actors deliver amazing performances, which they do. Asa Butterfield and Chloe Moretz are remarkable, Ben Kingsley is in top form, and Sacha Baron Cohen gives his best dramatic performance ever.

The first movie I ever saw was Toy Story, and I was hooked. I have seen all kinds of films since then, but Toy Story introduced me to movie magic. With Hugo, Scorsese has brought movie magic back to modern cinema. In today's world of gritty reboots and nitpicking everything to death, the fact that Hugo works so well is extraordinary. Never throughout this entire year have I seen such a brilliant film. Other incredible ones have come out, but Hugo is on another level. It is the only movie all year that has come so close to explaining why I love movies. Yes, it's that good. No, let me rephrase: Hugo is magnificent.

The Muppets

Rating: 5/5

The Muppets are special. Whether we're talking Rowlf or Cookie Monster, they have a weird and amazing ability to make people happy. They're a unique part of popular culture that no one really grows out of, not even the most cynical people I know. I don't see how anyone could hate the Muppets anyway. Anyone who claims to is really missing out. But after this movie, I think any so-called hatred for the crew will be extinct.

Walter (voice of Peter Linz) is a young puppet from Smalltown, USA who is the world's biggest Muppet fan. Walter's brother Gary (Jason Segel) is taking his girlfriend Mary (Amy Adams) for their anniversary, and the two decide to bring Walter along and tour Muppet Studios. To their dismay the studio is completely run down, and evil oil tycoon Tex Richman (Chris Cooper) wants to tear it down and drill for oil. After meeting Kermit, the gang has to reunite the Muppets and save the day.

Remember the last Star Trek movie? The J.J. Abrams one? Remember how it pleased adults and kids, allowing the former group nostalgia and making the latter a new generation of fans? Remember how great it was? Get ready to remember, because like Star Trek, The Muppets is pretty much flawless. The puppets are amazing, the story is lovely, Jason Segel and Amy Adams have never been better, the emotion is real, the songs are memorable, and the script/direction are great. Every joke, every cameo, every one-liner is in the perfect place and is delivered perfectly.

But the cherry on top is that the movie is so touching, so filled with genuine love for Jim Henson's creations that you want every season of the show and every older movie on DVD. I shamelessly teared up several times during the movie, and at others I laughed so hard my sides hurt. A movie that moves me this much one second and makes my fall out of my chair with laughter the next deserves praise. And that what this movie deserves. The Muppets is remarkable.

I don't know what else to say. If you, dear reader, can't tell that The Muppets is brilliant and one of the top five films of 2011 by now, re-read my review. Whether or not you could tell, go see The Muppets immediately, more than once, and experience the love. The Muppets, like Being Elmo, is love. Love for the Muppet gang and what they gave to the world way back when. Also like Being Elmo, I love it right back. Mahnamahna!

The Rum Diary

Rating: 4/5

Hunter S. Thompson and his writings have had a large influence on me. Gonzo journalism is one of the most effective styles of writing, and I use it all the time. You know how I try to write from the point of view of a common moviegoer? Notice how I use a lot of sarcasm? Straight ripped off from the Doc. And as a big fan, I recognize that no one plays Thompson better than Johnny Depp. Need proof and/or an intro to the man's work? Look no further than The Rum Diary.

Paul Kemp (Johnny Depp) is a young and talented journalist who has come to Puerto Rico to work at a failing newspaper called the San Juan Star. His only friend is Bob (Michael Rispoli), a pessimistic photographer who likes the finer things in life like rum and even more rum. Kemp is on his way to the same mindset when he is recruited by corrupt millionaire Sanderson (Aaron Eckhart) to write promos for his upcoming land-grab scam. Once Kemp is pulled into Sanderson's world, which includes Chenault (the beautiful Amber Heard), he starts to see what's up, and his debaucherous journey begins.

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT go into The Rum Diary expecting Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas. That film, while a complete masterpiece, is based on a novel of Thompson's written after he was established as a revolutionary journalist. The Rum Diary was written when Thompson was in his early twenties, and it's mostly about the experiences that shaped him into Raoul Duke. There's not a lot of narration, psychotropics, or great quotes, but it's very well done and maintains the spirit of the Doc's work.

Johnny Depp is as usual perfect in the main role, not that I'm surprised. But I have to admit I've gotten annoyed at JD for doing this routine in every movie. When it's in the right place though, Depp is incomparable and irreplaceable. Actually the whole cast is great, including Amber Heard, which was a surprise. The pace is a bit slow at times, and it's too long, but I was never bored. The dialog is very funny, the scenery is beautiful, and as a result it comes together well. One of the best parts is the soundtrack, always keeping the mood with an eclectic mix of rock, soul, and traditional Puerto Rican music.

Dr. Thompson always said how he wanted to make this movie, and it's sad it didn't happen before his death in 2005. I'm sure he'd bless it though. The Rum Diary is a solid entry in the HST filmography (considering there are only three) and a good place to start if you want an intro to the Doc's work. It isn't Fear & Loathing or Where the Buffalo Roam, and some people won't like it. So think of this as Hunter S. Thompson's superhero origin story. And if you're a fan like me, you have an obligation to go. Don't let the bastards win.

Immortals

Rating: 4/5

As you all should know, I can deal with stupidity in action movies. It doesn't matter how silly the story is, I can turn my brain off and enjoy some good-old-fashioned male power fantasy. For proof of this (if you really need some), see my reviews of The Wolfman 2010, and more recently Battle LA and/or Conan the Barbarian. Or you can just keep reading this one, because Immortals is a dumb movie that rocked my socks.

King Hyperion (Mickey Rourke) is a mad atheist who a la Kratos from "God of War" wants to free the titans and overthrow the gods. In order to do this Hyperion needs a legendary weapon called the Epirus Bow, which he plans to find with the power of the virgin oracle Phaedra (Freida Pinto). On his rampage across Greece, Hyperion makes the mistake of murdering the mother of Theseus (Henry Cavill), who just so happens to be the mortal champion chosen by Zeus (Luke Evans). And of course, hijinks ensue.

Ok, first things first. Immortals is silly. The narrative is jumpy, the characters are all completely generic, and the acting and dialog are completely melodramatic and ridiculous. There are big moments that make no sense in that "Conan" kinda way where you just have to laugh. However, nothing gets so dumb that you can't enjoy the movie, and I had a blast the whole way through thanks to two things: the visuals and the action.

The visuals in Immortals are Oscar worthy. Tarsem Singh is clearly very gifted when it comes to this, something we saw in his first film, The Fall, which is brilliant. The sets are grand and real, the CGI is fantastic, and the costumes are unique and beautiful. Each one is incredibly creative and really, really cool. It breathes new life into Greek myths in a way Clash of the Titans only dreamed of. The action is 300-level awesome, but much better choreographed and with less slow-to-fast. Immortals is awesome.

Immortals is the perfect Thanksgiving movie. It's a great excuse to get together with friends and enjoy yourself at the movies, even if it's silly. Immortals knows what it is, and takes the stylization of 300, injects it with Tarsem's brilliant visual creativity, and never looks back. This is mostly a guy movie, but anyone who liked 300 or The Expendables will enjoy it. Of course, I'm really just recommending the mind-blowing visuals and action, but go see Immortals for a fun ride.