The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence)

Rating: 2/5

Wow, seriously you guys? I have a huge list of movies I want to see and I get over ten requests for Human Centipede 2? Look, just because I made it through Cannibal Holocaust and love Audition doesn't make me some sort of unfazable demigod of messed up movies. Cannibal Holocaust freaked me out for a while! Besides, the first Human Centipede isn't even that big a deal. It's just a modern exploitation flick. Whatever, let's just do this.

Martin (Laurence R. Harvey) is an introverted, disturbed weirdo who lives with hus abusive mom and is completely obsessed with The Human Centipede. He watches it all the time at work and even has a scrapbook of pictures from and relating to the movie. In his spare time, Martin goes around whacking random people on the head with a crowbar and putting them in a warehouse, where he plans on recreating Dr. Heiter's experiment with twelve people. Using only crude tools and his psychosis, Martin goes for it.

This movie makes a good point: the first Human Centipede was not the grossest movie ever, neither is this one, and neither one should be treated as such. The first film was more suspense driven, and this one is so grotesque and shocking that it's kind of hilarious. I don't recommend either one because they're not good films, but the series doesn't deserve such controversy. Like I said, they're exploitation movies and are just unpleasant to watch.

Anyways, yes, Human Centipede 2 is freaking gross. But not until the final half-hour or so. Until then it's literally just Martin conking people on the head in a parking garage. It's really quite boring to watch, which is compounded by the fact that Martin doesn't talk. Ever. He just makes silly noises. However, the film is shot in gorgeous black and white and is competently acted and directed. In the end though, it's a waste of time.

The Human Centipede 2's final act is insane. Not quite the level of some movies I've seen and I'm sure there are more out there I haven't heard of, but wow. Ligaments are cut, faces are stapled, teeth are smashed or ripped out, and we see every single step. I admit, I looked away a couple times. But it's all so over the top I wasn't bugged by it. The effects are top-notch but silly. This isn't a date horror movie like Saw or even Hostel, it's just bad shock imagery. I paid six bucks on iTunes for this, and it isn't worth it. Ok, that's my review, now can we stop talking about these movies?

A Very Harold & Kumar Christmas

Rating: 4/5

You've gotta love this series. Each Harold & Kumar movie is very funny, relevant, and of course offensive. Each installment also includes developed and memorable characters with real arcs, great jokes, and the greatness of Neil Patrick Harris. That said, it's hard for comedy sequels to stay funny, as evidenced by Hangover 2 and the Scary Movie sequels. Lucky for us, the series isn't done yet, and it's still damn funny.

Around three years or so after their escape from Guantanamo, Harold (John Cho) is married and Kumar (Kal Penn) is perpetually stoned. The two meet again when Kumar drops a mysterious package at Harold's house. Harold, who is too worried about pleasing his father-in-law (Danny Trejo), is happy to see his friend, until Kumar burns down Trejo's home-grown christmas tree. Now the two have until midnight mass is over to find a new fern. And as usual, hijinks ensue.

There's something about stoner comedies that I find inherently hilarious. Unless the joke is too dumb (I'm looking at you Your Highness), I will laugh. Boy howdy will I laugh, and this movie made me laugh quite a bit. The jokes and gag are of course all sexual, drug-related, or violent, but most of them work very well. As usual Neil Patrick Harris steals the show, but everyone does a great job. The script has a good pace, and the few serious moments are genuine and well done.

See, now I don't have much more to talk about. It's just hard to review good comedies. Ok, I guess I can talk about how some moments are just stupid and that some jokes rely too much on being raunchy and/or gross, but none of that really matters. A Very Harold and Kumar Christmas is an extremely solid and very funny comedy that's worth seeing.

I honestly hope they make a fourth entry in this series. For me, I think the characters (especially NPH) won't stop being funny and I'll always enjoy them in a primal kind of way. Even though I don't think the series will ever return to the heights of the second movie, I have faith that I'll continue to laugh at additional installments. Until then, I can just enjoy the current one, and so should you.

Being Elmo: A Puppeteer's Journey

Rating: 4.5/5

As a young child, my best friend was my stuffed Elmo toy. I took him everywhere and told him everything. My friends loved him, my family did, we all just loved Elmo. But until now, I never thought about why. Why did I love Elmo so much? Why is he so instantly lovable, and how was he created? What brilliant performer created the best friend of billions of children? Well my friends, be ready to be answered and moved by this lovely documentary.

Being Elmo follows the career of Kevin Clash: a kid from Baltimore who loved puppets. When he got older, Kevin started to build his own muppets and was featured on local TV. As Kevin got better and better, he felt limited by his position. Then he met muppet builder Kermit Love (creator of Big bird, Snuffy, and Ms. Piggy), who taught Kevin everything he knew. After meeting Jim Henson, Kevin was well on his way to becoming the legend he is. And of course, the rest is history.

Ok, I know that it looks like I gave the whole movie away, but I only outlined it. Kevin's journey through the world of puppeteering is so deep and interesting that there's no way I could cover it in a paragraph. Anyway, part of what makes the story so great is that Kevin is one of the best examples of someone who followed their dreams. He had real talent in a weird field and he made it through 100% pure hard work. He's never arrogant, never outspoken, and always thankful. Kevin is such a good person, you can see Elmo in him.

Now, I don't consider myself a super macho dude, but I have my pride. And I am discarding that right now because I'm admitting that this movie made me cry. It wasn't sad, and I didn't cry a lot, but I cried. I remembered how much Sesame Street meant to me, and how amazing it is that Kevin Clash makes millions of kids believe they are loved by Elmo. Then there's the scene where all the muppets, including Elmo and friends, sing "Saying Goodbye" at Jim Henson's funeral. I dare you not to choke up.

Being Elmo is special. It is a rare documentary that doesn't uncover political corruption or be pro environmentalism that isn't about a historical figure. Like Anvil last year, Being Elmo tells a story about someone who never, ever gave up. It's effective, informative, interesting, touching, and of course inspiring. Why does it work so well? To paraphrase one of the interviewed puppeteers: Elmo is love, and he loves you unconditionally. And you know what, I love him right back. Always.

Paranormal Activity 3

Rating: 1.5/5

And so the third installment in the increasingly short and unscary Paranormal Activity series inevitably arrives. Seriously, all horror movie concepts get old fast unless they're Nightmare on Elm Street or Friday the 13th. Most sequels besides those are rushed out and either nothing like the original (Blair Witch 2) or just a retread of it (every Saw sequel). Plus, movies as original and fun as the first Paranormal Activity don't need sequels. At least not ones this boring.

Dennis (Chris Smith) is worried that his stepdaughters Katie (Chloe Csengery) and Kristi (Jessica Tyler Brown) are being haunted by their imaginary friend "Toby." Much to the chagrin of his wife Julie (Lauren Bittner), Dennis sets up cameras all over the house to try and capture evidence. While initially failing to find anything significant, the evidence begins to pile up and Dennis thinks that whatever is in the house is more than just a demon.

I have said this before, but I don't like found footage movies. Besides Blair Witch, they're mostly cheesy, nausea-inducing, and become an not to spend a lot of money on CGI. That is true here because the terrible jump scares rely on the idea that Dennis tapes absolutely everything in his life. Even when the director(s) manage to build a semblance of tension, nothing happens besides camera shaking. Seriously, I actually found myself staring at the ceiling. Even when scary parts do happen, I did not find myself interested.

On the nitpicky side, the movie is supposed to be in 1988, but everyone dresses like a 2010 hipster. The Julie character even has Zooey Deschanel hair and clothes. Also, why the demon ghost thing did no haunting before the cameras were set up is weird. And if Katie and Kristi were haunted as kids, why are they so scared in the first two movies? But I digress. The acting is cheesy, there's too much special effects, people are idiots, and the ending is even more out of left field than The Last Exorcism's.

There's no good reason to see Paranormal Activity 3, but it's not horrible. It is kind of fun at moments and it's competently directed, I guess. The only reason this film exists is to squeeze as much cash from fans as possible, and it succeeded I guess. But who cares? This is my review, and I say it's bad. It's boring, doesn't make any sense, and is NOT scary, proven by the fact that the people my theater started talking to each other and laughing at the scares. Nuff said.

The Skin I Live In

Rating: 4.5/5

I am a big fan of surrealist filmmaking. I love to watch movies that don't necessarily have narratives so much as a general theme. Some of my favorites include Pink Floyd: The Wall, Nobuhiko Obayashi's House, and Eraserhead. I also like foreign films, especially Japanese and Spanish-language ones. This year has been a really good year for foreign film with movies like 13 Assassins and TrollHunter outdoing most of our blockbusters. The Skin I Live In continues this with surrealism by being the best not-Drive movie out in theaters.

In 2012 Spain, brilliant and insane plastic surgeon Robert Ledgard (Antonio Banderas) lives isolated, obsessed with his invention: a skin that resists all damage. He is accompanied only by his servants and Vera (Elena Anaya), a beautiful young woman Robert keeps prisoner as a test subject. Vera is Robert's creation, to the extremity that her skin is his experimental design and her face is that of his late wife. Vera always wears a full-body "skin suit" and is given everything she wants but her freedom. After a break-in at the house, Robert's mental state further unravels and Vera's origins are slowly revealed.

Like most of Almodovar's other films, The Skin I Live In explores the Freudian insanity of human sexuality. One of this film's main themes is the use of sex as a tool for mental control and manipulation rather than love. Throughout most of the film, we know nothing about Vera except that that Robert wants total control of her, which he gets through what is basically rape. Almodovar never shies from the intensity, and does a magnificent job of inducing uneasiness and sometimes revulsion. This is the good kind of disturbing film, the kind where you want to keep watching.

Needless to say The Skin I Live In is strange. Every single scene is constructed and presented in crazy and surreal ways, but it all pays off. The second half of the film brings all the strangeness into an incredible and insane conclusion. Trust me, a lot of it seems pointless and boring, but The Skin I Live In. Almodovar has said that this is his Frankenstein, and it is. A mad doctor seeking perfection in a flawed creature that only desires freedom and independence. I can't talk anymore without spoiling the whole thing, so let me conclude.

The Skin I Live In isn't for everyone. Certain moments are very disturbing, and some may be bored. But if you can stick it out you won't be disappointed. The final act is brilliant, and will definitely leave an impact. Almodovar has given us a modern prometheus that lifts the mad scientist genre to a new level. The Skin I Live In is truly a work of art. So if you want some intelligence in your thriller, go see it.

Martha Marcy May Marlene

Rating: 2/5

Every now and then I review a popular movie negatively. I will never back down about my opinion of films like Kick-Ass or Un Profet, but it isn't like I enjoy arguing with my friends and family. Even though I am very opinionated, I acknowledge the other side of the argument, even if I don't agree with it. But honestly, I do not understand why Martha Marcy May Marlene is so acclaimed.

Martha (Elizabeth Olsen) suddenly shows up at her sister Lucy's (Sara Paulson) door after almost three years of absolutely no contact. Martha is introverted and clearly traumatized, but she refuses to talk about what happened to her. What Lucy fails to pry from Martha is that Martha recently escaped a violent cult lead by Patrick (John Hawkes), a true-blue cult of personality. As Martha's behavior worsens, the audience is brought into the madness of her past.

Martha Marcy May Marlene is a classic example of style over substance. Director Sean Durkin manages to hold very good tension throughout the story with fancy editing and creative writing, but there's nothing to it. The film cannot decide whether it wants to be a character study about cult brainwashing or a thriller about the cult coming after Martha. The flashbacks to Martha's time with Patrick are schizophrenically inserted into the main story, which is annoying because the flashbacks are more interesting. Also, Patrick is a clear Manson analogue, a fact the film tries to hide, and as a result he's just a skinny white guy.

Now, say what you will about her sisters, Elizabeth Olsen can act. Her portrayal of the damaged Martha is extremely realistic and intriguing, as is John Hawkes as Patrick. I'm just frustrated by the film because there's no consequences to any of the events and the notable cast is given nothing to work with. The film is also quite snooty, because every shot and cheesy line of dialogue lets you know how avante-garde and deep the director thinks the movie is.

Martha Marcy May Marlene is like last year's Somewhere, interesting filmmaking and great acting, but no focus. It's clearly made for highbrow newspaper critics, and as a result is mostly unaccessible. All that, and this could've been a short film. The script runs out of ideas very quickly, so by the halfway mark it felt like I saw the same pretentious college thesis at least twice. I didn't despise this movie, but I don't recommend it. It's just a big ball of nothing. Well directed and acted nothing, but nothing.

Real Steel

Rating: 4/5

Oh boy, a boxing movie. A boxing movie based around a toy I had as a kid. Why? Why isn't it just a cartoon? I mean, the whole point is to sell toys, so why spend 200 million? Oh, and it's got a little kid main character, great. Jeez, this is Phantom Menace all over again. God, why does Real Steel exist? Based on the above lines, you'd probably guess that I hated this movie. Surprise, I had a great time.

Charlie Kenton (Hugh Jackman) is a drifting schmoozer with a tendency to leap without looking, and used to be a world class heavyweight. Now it's 2020, and 1000 pound robots have replaced people in the ring. After Charlie's ex-wife dies, he's stuck with his young son Max (Dakota Goyo) for the summer. As it turns out, Max is a huge robot boxing fan, and on a rainy night looking for robot parts with Charlie, Max discovers a beat up old training bot named Atom, who has a copycat function. Now our heroes have to find a way to make Atom a real fighter, and how to be father and son.

Real Steel is an example of a really good family film. It has real heart, so we actually care that Atom wins, even though we know he will in the end. I found myself resisting the urge to clap a couple of times in the theater. Real Steel is an almost Spielbergian feel-good movie that I'm surprised wasn't released this summer. And like Warrior, Real Steel is about the relationship between two people, with robots smashing each other to bits as a centerpiece.

Speaking of, the robots look great. Unlike Transformers where the robots are too busy and not immediately distinguishable from one another, Real Steel's robots are simple as well as unique. Honestly, they look more like the Transformers than the Transformers movie. The effects in Real Steel make it easy to tell what's going on and see the detail of the damage that the things do to each other. You feel like you're in the stands.

Real Steel was a pleasant surprise. I thought that I was going to sit through an hour and a half long toy commercial. But I was wrong, because Real Steel is a well made, well written, well acted, well directed movie with some awesome action scenes. This movie is easy to root for, and doesn't try to hide behind pretention or talking down to its audience. Real Steel is just a good old fashioned fun time at the movies. Not Oscar worthy, but worth the ticket price.