RED Review

Rating: 4/5

I bet that whenever Bruce Willis hears about a new character in a comic book or a novel or something that's described as a bald, aging badass with a penchant for one-liners, he just smiles and waits for the call. Because he'll play that character eventually, we all know it's just a matter of time.

Frank Moses is a retired CIA agent, who is well, bored with it. His only interesting activity is talking to his financial lady, Sarah. One night, a team of assassins go after Frank, and some of his friends. As you might guess, it doesn't go well. So, Frank has to get his retired and extremely dangerous (ha-HA, I see watcha did there) buddies and find out why someone wants them dead.

Now, how's the directing? It's just ok. The editing also is weirdly choppy at times, and probably could've been a little more precise if you catch my drift. Scriptwise it's quick, snappy, and well paced. The lines are funny, the characters are all well developed, and it never loses its place.

The acting is, well what'd you expect from Morgan Freeman, Bruce Willis, Karl Urban, John Malkovich and Helen Mirren?? They all play their parts perfectly, especially Helen Mirren and Malkovich, who are both hilarious. The action is very well done, and to be honest you really can't get much cooler than Helen Mirren with a machine gun or John Malkovich batting grenades like baseballs.

Beyond all the action, the movie really does give you a sense that Frank's civilian life is what the life of Demolition Man or Commando would look like in the future. They even show off the retired old Russian villain, which is insanely funny. Overall, Red is extremely entertaining, very smart and very, very funny. I enjoyed it a great deal, and so should you. Check it out.

Jackass 3-D Review

Rating: 3/5

Hi, my name is Jess Linde and this is a review of Jackass 3D.

I know people on both sides of the Jackass border. I know people who love it and watch it all the time. I also know people who hate it and refuse to talk about it at all. I've always been in the middle. I never watched the show and I haven't seen the first two movies, so keep that in mind.

Now first of all, the 3D actually works in terms of depth and clarity. A lot of the skits I feel like wouldn't have been as interesting without the added visual flair. Unfortunately, (or fortunately depending on your taste) this also means that every penis and every turd is in glorious high definition.

Now, onto the sketches. I'm a teenager, so when a friend of mine gets hit in the crotch or falls off of his chair, I'm gonna laugh. When Johnny Knoxville gets rammed by a buffalo, I'll laugh. When a group of dwarves have a bar fight complete with dwarf cops and dwarf paramedics, you bet I'll laugh.

That all said, I can see why I'd enjoy watching Jackass more as a syndicated show than I did watching this movie. Maybe it's because I'm not a hardcore fan, but I can't really handle watching sketch after sketch after sketch. Either way, I laughed at many points during Jackass 3D, and even though I can't really justify spending $15.75, I recommend it. For the guys.

Catfish Review

Rating: 3/5

I know someone who has been tricked in an online relationship. It was a pretty upsetting experience for them. Catfish examines what you do if you take the relationship into your own hands, and don't like what you find.

Yanev "Nev" Shulman is a photographer in New York. He shares an office with his brother, Ariel, and his friend, Henry, who are filmmakers. When one of Nev's photos is turned into a painting by a supposed 8-year-old prodigy, he slowly gets involved with the girl, Abby, and her family, supposedly a family of artistic, beautiful people.

To the audience, the story sounds ridiculous. However, Nev, Ariel, and Henry fall for it, hook line and sinker. It's truly fascinating to see a person who seems perfectly rational and smart to go so far into something with someone he's never met.

Now of course, there is a twist at the end. It isn't scary. It isn't "a feeling you can't shake for days." And no, it doesn't turn out to be a super intelligent catfish. To be honest, the twist is a really fascinating look into human reactionary nature, and it's also kind of sad. Overall, Catfish isn't great, or mind blowing, it's just decent. I recommend it, but whatevs.

My Soul To Take Review

Rating: 1/5

For those of you who don't know, Wes Craven invented and directed A Nightmare on Elm Street, as well as Scream 1-3. And hey, Scream 4 comes out next year! If you're excited, that's good, but whatever you do, DO NOT go see My Soul to Take. It will destroy your desire to see Scream 4, and make you forget about Nightmare.

"Bug" (I don't remember his real name) is one of seven children born on the night the Riverton Ripper, a "mass murderer" who killed a mind blowing 7 people was killed. As it turns out, he's also the Ripper's son. Apparently, the ripper had multiple personalities, and each one went into one of the various children. But wait, they didn't find his body.....never mind forget that he's dead.

This movie takes place in a magical land known as Riverton, Massachusetts, where cops instinctively know to check for knife wounds when a body is determined to have fallen off a bridge. A land where serial killers outright shout their name and go "blaaaah!!" A land where people get stabbed, and there's no tear in their clothes, and after a person is clearly lifted and has their brain crunched or something, sending blood everywhere, their body is spotless.

Riverton's magical attributes also include 16 year olds who are so desperate for a blow job that they chase people through the woods, and puns that make you want to cut your ears off. In all seriousness, this movie has continuity errors up the wazoo, DREADFUL dialogue, DREADFUL acting, DREADFUL directing, and DREADFUL camerawork. Also, the worst 3D conversion I've ever seen, like ever. Also, there's some sort of weird social revolution in the highschool subplot involving a girl named Fang (really) and a blind kid. It's clearly been a looooong time since Wes Craven went to high school.

Overall, this movie is pretty damn horrendous. Why isn't it 1/2 a star? Why am I going to recommend it? Because it's the best comedy of the year. Wait until it's not in 3D and on DVD, then rent it for a good laugh.

Devil Review

Rating: 3/5

If Devil came out in 1976, was produced by Roger Corman, and was called "Hellevator," it would be remembered as a cult classic. However, it came out in 2010, is called Devil, and was produced by everyone's favorite guy, M. Knight Shyamalan. Wait a minute.....it doesn't suck???

5 seemingly unrelated strangers are trapped in an elevator, and it seems like something beyond the realm of men is trying to keep the cops out. Combine that with the past sins of each character, as well as the TITLE OF THE MOVIE, and I think you can figure out who else is along for the ride.

Overall, this movie is just ok. None of the characters are really developed, but they are pretty intriguing. For a while, there's a real mystery to which one is el diablo, and to be honest, I was surprised by the big reveal. Also, the addition of the hard-boiled-yet-troubled detective was a great decision to add, and is a good balance.

On the other hand, the ending is a massive cop out, the message is absolute bull, and at the beginning a big shining "#1" shows. Why couldn't this just be a fun little thriller? Why does EVERYTHING have to be a franchise nowadays? I digress. The biggest problem this movie has is that it tries to make you feel the paranoia inside the elevator, but the story is in real time, so technically the victims have only been in there for the length of the movie, about an hour and a half. I understand that the whole satan thing would help with freaking you out, but I just didn't feel it.

To be honest, I was pleasantly surprised by Devil. Is it as good as Last Exorcism? No. Is it as bad as The Happening? No. I enjoyed myself, so try it out.

Machete Review

Rating: 4.5/5

Robert Rodriguez. I honestly don't know what to think of him. He makes classics like Desperado and Sin City, and then he makes Spy Kids 3 and Shorts. Well, thank god he's making movies like the former again.

This is Machete, 4th incredible movie of 2010 (the other 3 being Scott Pilgrim, Inception, and Toy Story 3, but I digress), an boy is it a winner in every way.

Danny Trejo is Machete, an ex-federale who is chased out of Mexico by a drug lord, and is reduced to illegal immigrant work. Jeff Fahey hires him to assassinate a racist senator, but Machete is betrayed, and now he has to go on a journey of vengeance filled with sex, blood, and explosions.

I'm going to address each part that makes this movie so great. There are 5 parts so get ready. 1: the violence. Decapitations, shootings, disemboweling, I'm talking buckets of blood, and done in a tasteful way unlike Piranha. It's awesome.

2: the sex. Damn do these chicks look good. 3: the acting. All perfect, from Don Johnson to Cheech Marin to Lindsay Lohan. 4: the characters. Steven Seagal is a Mexican drug lord and Cheech is a shotgun wielding priest. Nuff said.

And 5: the story/message. The story seems to be just standard exploitation fare, but in reality is a huge step to the left in one of America's most heated political topics. It's basically a huge middle finger to the right wing, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Go see this movie. Now. Like seriously, stop reading, and go see Machete a million times.

Takers Review

Rating: 2.5/10

Let me put to rest the fears that I didn't like this movie because I'm more of a rocker guy, and I would've liked it more if it had Bruce Springsteen or something. I like hip-hop. Classic hip hop. Lil Wayne, Drake, T-Pain, that kinda stuff doesn't do it for me. And to be honest, rappers are better actors than rockers. I mean, Mos Def and Common are awesome, and we can't forget Queen Latifah and Eminem and even Tupac.

As for rockers and pop stars, it's pretty much the opposite. Does anyone remember Madonna's acting career? Or Sting? Even Neil Diamond made a crappy movie. Anyway, on to Takers.

The Takers are a group of 5 badass bank robbers who get the money, the wine, and you bet they get the women. Matt Dillon is a "hard-boiled" detective who wants to catch them. In the middle of all this is Ghost, a recently released from jail, former Taker, who threatens to not only make the Takers a ton of money, but get them all killed because he's crazy. Sounds like the premise of a good action movie if you ask me.

Too bad that the whole thing is so obnoxiously average. How's the acting? Idris Elba is good, T.I. is over the top, Matt Dillon does his best Christian Bale impression, and of course, Paul Walker and Hayden Christensen show about 3-4 emotions apiece. There's no character development and it doesn't make much sense at times, but it's not as bad as Salt or even Tokyo Drift.

The script is cliched and you can tell what's going to happen to each character as soon as they walk in the room. The whole thing is shot like a cheesy music video, and while some of the action is ok, most of it is so shaky cam that you can't really tell what's happening.

Overall, Takers is a prime example of something that's so OK that you can't hate it. It's not good, not at all, but it's not bad either. What it ends up being is a cheesy action-drama that any director could have made in about 10 minutes with the same kind of script and characters. That may be fine for some people, it isn't for me, and I ended up being bored.